Quotes and Jokes by Henny Youngman

Henry "Henny" Youngman was an English-American comedian and musician famous for his mastery of the "one-liner"; his best known one-liner being "Take my wife ... please".

Top 15 Quotes (out of 225)


Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!


A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the water out, reviving him. They turn to the Jewish Grandma, and say, "we saved your grandson." The little Jewish Grandma says, "He had a hat!"


I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.


My wife ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"


A hooker stopped me on the street and told me 'I'll do anything for $50.' I said, 'Paint my house.'


I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.


A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered, "Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz." The man says, "Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "I'm sorry, he's on vacation." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's on a big case, not available for a week." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's playing golf today." "Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "Speaking."


A kiss is the shortest distance between two.


The patient says "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"


A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!


I miss my wife's cooking - as often as I can.


Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.


I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.


She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.


A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"