Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman

228 quotes

Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!

A hooker stopped me on the street and told me 'I'll do anything for $50.' I said, 'Paint my house.'

A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the water out, reviving him. They turn to the Jewish Grandma, and say, "we saved your grandson." The little Jewish Grandma says, "He had a hat!"

My wife ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.

A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered, "Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz." The man says, "Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "I'm sorry, he's on vacation." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's on a big case, not available for a week." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's playing golf today." "Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "Speaking."

A man doesn't know what real happiness is until he's married. Then it's too late.

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass. The CO says, "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a 3 day pass?" So we exchanged tanks!

A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, "How do you like it up here?" The priest says, "If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini?" "Yes." "Rosary, get the bishop a martini!"

I miss my wife's cooking - as often as I can.

I made a killing in the stock market. I shot my broker.

My wife and I got remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.