Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman


A hooker stopped me on the street and told me 'I'll do anything for $50.' I said, 'Paint my house.'

Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

My wife ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the water out, reviving him. They turn to the Jewish Grandma, and say, "we saved your grandson." The little Jewish Grandma says, "He had a hat!"

I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered, "Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz." The man says, "Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "I'm sorry, he's on vacation." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's on a big case, not available for a week." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's playing golf today." "Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "Speaking."

I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.

A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!

I miss my wife's cooking - as often as I can.

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, "How do you like it up here?" The priest says, "If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini?" "Yes." "Rosary, get the bishop a martini!"

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

I made a killing in the stock market. I shot my broker.