Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman

228 quotes

Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the water out, reviving him. They turn to the Jewish Grandma, and say, "we saved your grandson." The little Jewish Grandma says, "He had a hat!"

I made a killing in the stock market. I shot my broker.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered, "Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz." The man says, "Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "I'm sorry, he's on vacation." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's on a big case, not available for a week." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's playing golf today." "Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "Speaking."

My wife ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

My wife and I got remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.

Look at him, sex takes a holiday!

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.