Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman

228 quotes

Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!

A hooker stopped me on the street and told me 'I'll do anything for $50.' I said, 'Paint my house.'

I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.

A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the water out, reviving him. They turn to the Jewish Grandma, and say, "we saved your grandson." The little Jewish Grandma says, "He had a hat!"

I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

My wife ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, "How do you like it up here?" The priest says, "If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini?" "Yes." "Rosary, get the bishop a martini!"

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!

A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered, "Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz." The man says, "Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "I'm sorry, he's on vacation." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's on a big case, not available for a week." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's playing golf today." "Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "Speaking."

I miss my wife's cooking - as often as I can.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

I made a killing in the stock market. I shot my broker.

A man doesn't know what real happiness is until he's married. Then it's too late.