Quotes & Jokes about Wife

A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently, it wasn't first place.

Gold diggers are the wife beaters of men!

Well, my wife assassinated my sexual identity, and my children are eating my dreams. We don't bother you with that. We just say "Great."

Yes, I’m married. But my wife understands that a good politician has to be appealing to the ladies. The fact that I haven’t even gotten close to cheating on her is a disappointment to us both.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

I asked my wife to try anal sex. She said, "Sure. You first."

My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties... welcome to my world.

That's where the conflict starts. We all want for a wife a combination Sunday school teacher and a $500-a-night hooker.

I want to die before my wife, and the reason is this: If it is true that when you die, your soul goes up to judgment, I don't want my wife up there ahead of me to tell them things.

My first wife, I'll never forget her - and I've tried.

I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.

If you break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.

My wife's not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. She said, "All kids smell that way."

My wife has cut me down to once a month, I'm lucky I know two guys she cut off completely.