Quotes & Jokes about Wife

61 quotes

A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently, it wasn't first place.

I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.

My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties... welcome to my world.

I asked my wife to try anal sex. She said, "Sure. You first."

Well, my wife assassinated my sexual identity, and my children are eating my dreams. We don't bother you with that. We just say "Great."

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

My wife and I have five children; the reason we have five children is because we do not want six.

I miss my wife's cooking - as often as I can.

Yes, I’m married. But my wife understands that a good politician has to be appealing to the ladies. The fact that I haven’t even gotten close to cheating on her is a disappointment to us both.

I want to die before my wife, and the reason is this: If it is true that when you die, your soul goes up to judgment, I don't want my wife up there ahead of me to tell them things.

It sure is a beautiful day. Know why? My wife walked out on me. Isn't that nice? I'm so glad the bitch is gone.

I don't have to "freedom-kiss" my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.

My wife said to me, "I want to be cremated." I said, "How about Tuesday?"

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I have a wife back in LA who is so pissed at me... yeah, she’s so mad I’m sleeping with her husband.