Quotes & Jokes about Shoes

56 quotes

You know, a lot of people come to me and they say, "Steve, how can you be so fucking funny?" There's a secret to it, it's no big deal. Before I go out, I put a slice of bologna in each of my shoes. So when I'm on stage, I feel funny.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.

I say fuck shoes! Your shoes do not represent you! Neither here, nor in a court of law!

Oh, what’s this in my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I’m walking on red carpet.

You might be a redneck if going to the bathroom involves shoes and a flashlight.

Help me find some shoes I really like. Help me also to find a nymphomaniac coke connection who owns a Ferrari dealership.

Horseshoes are lucky. Horses have four bits of lucky nailed to their feet. They should be the luckiest animals in the world. They should rule the country. They should win all their horse races, at least. "In the fifth race today, every single horse was first equal...one horse threw a shoe came in third...the duck was ninth...and five ran."

My happiest memory of childhood was my first birthday in reform school. This teacher took an interest in me. In fact, he gave me the first birthday presents I ever got: a box of Cracker Jacks and a can of ABC shoe polish.

Golf is a lot like stand-up comedy. You have to suck to get good in the long run and I have always loved a challenge like that. The shoes are funny and always keep me laughing, especially when I suck extra hard!

Religion is like a pair of shoes... Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.

Does anyone have a mother that would hit you with a shoe? I had a mother that would throw a shoe at you at the drop of a dime. And fuck you up wherever she was aiming. So by the time I was like ten, my mother was like Clint Eastwood with a shoe.

Can you imagine if you had a pair of shoes that you could only walk in? That could be kind of limiting under certain circumstances. 'Everybody get outta here! There's a swarm of bees coming!' What? Oh great, I got my walking shoes on today. I guess I better stroll the hell out of here at a moderate pace.

When you get hit by a car sometimes your shoes will fly off, sometimes your pants will come off, but I was not fortunate enough to see the pants portion.

There are so many types of shoes. There's so many categories, and I really have no idea what type of shoe I need at any given time. And I go in there - I find it a little bit overwhelming. 'Welcome to the shoe store! What are you looking for? Are you looking for walking shoes?' Well, uh, I'd like to have that option. Hopefully, they're adjustable. I mean, I'd like to be able to turn them up to other settings, as well.

Has anyone seen my shoes? I kicked them off in a fit of joy.