Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 2

225 quotes

My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby.

We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting - they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.

I’ve spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer... but no one will do it.

When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. Buy my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.

This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance, 'Baby, all I want from you this year is an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list: Xbox.' You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine - because I got her an Xbox.

I was in Boston a couple years ago, and a very drunk girl - they’re always very drunk - ran up to me. And she screams out, ‘You should never make fun of the Holocaust!’ And I said, ‘Why?’ You know, just to be a dick. And she says, ‘Because I lost family in the Holocaust’. And I said, ‘You don’t look Jewish’. And she said, ‘Listen, asshole, There are certain lines you’re not supposed to cross, certain boundaries you’re never supposed to push’. And I said, ‘Hey, hey, hey. I just gave you a compliment’.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back "I know."

I had a friend whose gotten so many DUIs that he had to go to jail for a year. Now, his only concern was getting raped. For the entire year, he didn't take a shower.

My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?

I once went on a date with a girl where we went hiking... and she gets bit by a snake in between her toes, andI had to suck out the poison... so she’s dead.

Yeah we’re not together anymore. She has got - she has got a new boyfriend now. They just moved into together. And I’ve heard rumors that he is abusive, which makes you want to go over there with a baseball bat. And then blame it on her boyfriend.

Broke up with my last girlfriend because she lied to me and told me she got molested by her neighbor. But I know her neighbor. He’s a really cool guy. Not like her creepy ass other neighbor.

Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She’s like, ‘Anthony, I had to pick this up. We need a houseplant in our apartment.’ And every night, I make her return it. I say, ‘No way, baby. You can’t take care of a houseplant. You couldn’t even keep your baby alive.’

Jeff Ross has been roasting people since Whitney Cummings was nothing but a glint in the eye of the man who raped her mother.