Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 2

225 quotes

My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn’t religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two inch gash in the back of her dad’s head.

The other night my girlfriend and I are in bed together. She says, 'Anthony, I want you to pee on me.' Now I have never thought about peeing on a woman in my entire life. Never even imagined it before but then I got the green light and apparently, it's my thing. I just jumped up right away. But as soon as that begins she starts screaming at me; like it's my fault she talks in her sleep.

My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.

Broke up with my last girlfriend because she lied to me and told me she got molested by her neighbor. But I know her neighbor. He’s a really cool guy. Not like her creepy ass other neighbor.

The other day my girlfriend complained to me “chivalry is dead. Oh, Anthony, chivalry is dead.” And I told her “No, baby, chivalry isn’t dead. Chivalry is alive and well. You’re thinking of your mom.”

I had a friend whose gotten so many DUIs that he had to go to jail for a year. Now, his only concern was getting raped. For the entire year, he didn't take a shower.

Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She’s like, ‘Anthony, I had to pick this up. We need a houseplant in our apartment.’ And every night, I make her return it. I say, ‘No way, baby. You can’t take care of a houseplant. You couldn’t even keep your baby alive.’

Like I’ll never forget the last time, we played that game, she was like Anthony. If you could have lunch with anyone in the world living or dead who would it be. And I said I don’t know, Caligula and she was really Caligula, that’s your answer, that’s what you’re going to say to me your girlfriend: are you sure, I said I am sorry baby, let me change that, I’d have lunch with you and you’d be dead.

I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I’m the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back "I know."

I want to get a tattoo of the word "irony", only misspelled.

I once went on a date with a girl where we went hiking... and she gets bit by a snake in between her toes, andI had to suck out the poison... so she’s dead.

My dad's been having a hard time lately. Keeps on losing his keys. Can't hang on to a set of keys to save his life. And he has tried everything too: little hook next to the door, little bowl next to his bed, keychain makes a noise when you whistle. Nothing worked. So finally, this year for his birthday, the whole family chipped in - and we put him in a home.