Quotes & Jokes by Bob Saget

152 quotes

Marijuana is not a drug! I used to suck dick for coke! You ever suck dick for marijuana?

Jared, don't fuck a goat. You hear me, son? Because a goat - no, listen. No, fuckin' listen. Put it on receive, dude. A goat... why am I attacking you? I have no idea. It's a mode of choice. But a goat will eat a tin can, they'll eat fuckin' junk. They'll chew it up. Have you ever watched 'em? They eat shit. And they will eat your junk right off, Jared. And you will be junkless. And you will have nothing, you'll have like a tit - a tin plate, where your - a tit plate. You'll have a nipple where your dick was, and you will be fucked.

They were always very sweet girls. There was really no way to be cynical about them. That's why people always called it "The Michelle Show."

Some people rely on rumors and gossip because they are devoid of any original thought.

Oil is sixty dollars a barrel. There are terrorists everywhere. We have a catastrophe in our world every ten minutes. I don't know how anybody's getting through anything. Right now, people just need to be entertained.

My wife is a saint. She’s Gandhi. She walks around in diapers and won’t eat.

I have a food party trick. Get some whipped cream or butter, put it on a table, and say, “Everybody ready? This is my trick.” Then I’ll wipe whatever white substance it is all over my mouth and go, “I got the job! I can’t believe I got the job!” That’s my party trick. It’s so stupid, but I’ll still do it.

When someone you love is hurting, if it was possible, you'd want to take their pain for them. But do I really want cramps and sore boobs?

I love anybody funny - even people who are bastards, who are evil people, the meanest people you can imagine, even if they treat me horrifically or they treat people like shit - just because they're funny. Being funny is a jewel in the crown of life.

Stop It, stop lighting your butthol on fire, and everybody listen to me. If you light your ass on fire, I hope you have boxers or a filter of somekind, because if your a bareass person. Not a lot of people have done this. Stop It. This is why. You can cauterize your asshole shut, so when you fart it has nowhere to go and you can have a fart attack.

The squirrel in my yard really knows his way around the neighborhood.

Some people say kissing is more intimate than sex... I guess, if you’re kissing someone’s butt hole.

You learn who your friends are when you find out who will lie for you.

So, fuck that shit. That's... eww. Who came up with that? "Fuck that shit." No thanks, I'm good. Do not - Kids, don't fuck that shit. You'll get an infection. You listen to me, I'm a doctor and a pharmacist and a 9-1-1 operator. I know what the fuck I'm doing. Don't fuck that shit. That would be a good public service announcement for Nickelodeon. "Hi, this is Bob Saget. Don't fuck that shit. Stay in school. And read."

I have an ex-wife, can you tell - Cock shit fuck - but... I have a wonderful ex-wife, I really do. She's a great mom, and she's doing great. She's fuckin' rich - that's hey boyfriend's name.