Quotes & Jokes by Bob Saget

152 quotes

Marijuana is not a drug! I used to suck dick for coke! You ever suck dick for marijuana?

You can cauterize your asshole shut, you understand me? And then when you fart, it has nowhere to go. I'm not fuckin' around, it goes into your body and into your heart and you have a fart attack, is what you have. And you will die from that, and your last breath will be a burp and it will smell like shit.

So, fuck that shit. That's... eww. Who came up with that? "Fuck that shit." No thanks, I'm good. Do not - Kids, don't fuck that shit. You'll get an infection. You listen to me, I'm a doctor and a pharmacist and a 9-1-1 operator. I know what the fuck I'm doing. Don't fuck that shit. That would be a good public service announcement for Nickelodeon. "Hi, this is Bob Saget. Don't fuck that shit. Stay in school. And read."

Fuck you all and suck my hundred million dollar cock!

Jared, don't fuck a goat. You hear me, son? Because a goat - no, listen. No, fuckin' listen. Put it on receive, dude. A goat... why am I attacking you? I have no idea. It's a mode of choice. But a goat will eat a tin can, they'll eat fuckin' junk. They'll chew it up. Have you ever watched 'em? They eat shit. And they will eat your junk right off, Jared. And you will be junkless. And you will have nothing, you'll have like a tit - a tin plate, where your - a tit plate. You'll have a nipple where your dick was, and you will be fucked.

I was on Entourage last week smoking a bong and making out with hookers and I did show them that before, cause it wasn't a hard 'r' cause a lot of people are watching that show that they know, not my little one - she's 12, but very sophisticated so it's an unusual case.

I just did a play in New York which has been my best experience that I've had for maybe ever. It was Paul Weitz's play called Privilege and I was in New York for three months.

My wife is a saint. She’s Gandhi. She walks around in diapers and won’t eat.

They were always very sweet girls. There was really no way to be cynical about them. That's why people always called it "The Michelle Show."

I'm completely changing my diet. My nutritionist recommends I must now stop eating food I have already eliminated.

It think acceptance levels sort of swings back and forth. Like in the 60's there was a lot more freedom with sex that doesn't exist today. Language has gotten pushed a bit farther and violence is way far out.

Oil is sixty dollars a barrel. There are terrorists everywhere. We have a catastrophe in our world every ten minutes. I don't know how anybody's getting through anything. Right now, people just need to be entertained.

I have a food party trick. Get some whipped cream or butter, put it on a table, and say, “Everybody ready? This is my trick.” Then I’ll wipe whatever white substance it is all over my mouth and go, “I got the job! I can’t believe I got the job!” That’s my party trick. It’s so stupid, but I’ll still do it.

Beautiful clear day in Beverly Hills. The sweet smell of Botox is in the air.

I'm going to be fifty this year. Soon I'm going to meet somebody around my own age, and she's going to be smart and beautiful, and I'm going to date her daughter.