Quotes & Jokes by Bobcat Goldthwait
When I was a baby I had no teeth. I couldn't get a job and I couldn't eat meat.
If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me!
Well, I’m an uncle now ... don’t know if I’m a good one. My nephew asked me the difference between a hamster and a gerbil and I told him I thought there was more dark meat on a gerbil.
I'm against gun control. It's not that I like guns, it's just that allowing Americans to have guns will increase the chances that a bunch of rednecks will blow each other's heads off.
America is one of the finest countries anyone ever stole.
You can't blame the President for everything that's wrong with this country. That's like blaming Ronald McDonald if you get a bad cheeseburger.
I think there are only three things America will be known for 2,000 years from now when they study this civilization: the Constitution, jazz music, and baseball.
Fame is like a big eraser. It's strange, now that I'm famous. In my parents' opinion, all the shitty things - all the wreckage of my past - is erased. Now it's like I was never the kid who got arrested. Now I'm a wonderful son.
They can't even put the name in TV Guide.
For a day and a half, the National Guard was here, and they didn't go to work. Do you remember why? No bullets. I found it really hard to believe that that was the same crackerjack unit that Dan Quayle once belonged to.
I retired from acting the same time they stopped hiring me. But following my own thing of making these small indie movies has been the happiest I've ever been.
Don't hoo, hoo, hoo me. There's a fine line between hoo, hoo, hoo and hiel, hiel, hiel.
If you ever see me at a boat show or at a car show, blow my head off.
That movie looks so bad, I can't believe I wasn't in it.
I had long hair and I was going bald. There’s no way to do both of those things and look cool. Every year I looked more and more like Ben Franklin.