Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 12
I think it's probably much easier to do political comedy from a two-party point of view, in that the majority have some sense of what it means to be one or the other.
Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don’t clap, this is a flaw in the system!
If old people are so wise, how come they are always getting fucked by telemarketing fraud?
If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.
I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.
My great great grandmother was a cunt in the late eighteen hundreds, long before it was popular to be a cunt.
"Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water." Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.
Cunt is a great word, but it is more impressive if you use it on a guy.
Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!
I don't ever want to become Bill Maher where I have to find some strong opinion on something just because it's in the news. That's the guy that comes off like you have to be angry every week about new topics and snotty about something. That's what I'm trying to avoid.
I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.
My life’s pretty easy, which is never good for comedy. I have a great relationship, a nice little house, a couple of dogs and cats and nice friends - there’s no jokes in that. I should fuck things up just for a business move.