Quotes & Jokes by Eddie Griffin
The war is really about religion. The war's between Jesus and Muhammad. The Christians say Jesus is the messenger. Muslims say Muhammad is the messenger. Who gives a expletive who the messenger is did you get the message?
You give me 5 Bloods, 5 Crips 4 Mexicans and 3 rednecks, this shit would have been over. Niggas and Mexicans, we go over there and steal all the tracks off their tanks, them tanks will be on bricks. We come back home like "Who want some tank tracks?". And y'all know rednecks love hunting , a redneck you give that nigga rifle with a scope he can hit a fly off a deer's ear from 500 yards. They don't fuck around and they all have a hunting dog named Petey, you know them pointer motherfuckers. You drop them in Afghanistan Petey gonna point at the right cave "Mofucker in there, motherfucker in there!! I smell him!!".
You know how we built the pyramids? You gotta ask yourself a question always flip the script. What if up was down and down was up? What if you looked down into space standing up on Earth? This is how we built the pyramids.
In Europe, kids learn at least four languages before they're out of high school. But our education system is so underfunded, they go to school to buy heroin and an AK-47.
I believe God wrote the Word in your essence. That's the genius of my Father. You are born knowing right from wrong. You don't need a book to tell you that!
One plus one equals three. When a man and woman marry they become one never two.
Nobody ever had to tell you it's wrong to kill your mama. Somehow you born innately knowin' that. Which means you born knowin' right and wrong so put the book down. Cause it will fuck you up.
He's been on vacation for a year and month. Captain Kirk never left the helm when the Enterprise was under attack.
We're living in the time of AIDS. It's rough being skinny with that shit. Women be looking at you like, "I don't know. You awfully thin."
Do unto others as you would've them do unto you. Scientific prove that to be a fact for every action is the opposite as equal reaction. Don't fuck with me, and i won't fuck with you.
Makes no matter if I'm performing in a grocery store, you're always gonna get 150%.
Actually it broke my heart to hear that we were going to have to part ways, ... It's a business and they had to do what they had to do.
Y'all can relax about that Osama bin Laden shit coz I'm a handle the shit myself. Coz I can't understand how they can't find the motherfucker, six foot six with a nappy beard and a towel on his head, while they can find my cousin four foot eleven in Compton. Nigga worth half a billion dollars, just look for the cave with the satellite hook up, if there's a Rolls Royce parked in front of the cave, nigga probably in there. You walk in and there's velvet paintings of Saddam Hussein, I think the nigga in there, I mean who do they got looking for this guy Colon Powell?
My cell phone fell off my lap. I was reaching for it in the back.
We live in a three dimensional plane. Life is on the third planet from the sun not the second. Ain't nobody lying on a piece of paper looking at each other.