Quotes & Jokes about School

39 quotes

I did a show in New Jersey in the auditorium of a technical high school. Technical high school, that's where dreams are narrowed down. We tell our children, "You can do anything you want." Their whole lives. "You can do anything!" But this place, we take kids - they're 15, they're young - and we tell them, "You can do eight things. We got it down to eight for you."

When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. Buy my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.

Once I beat up the school bully with a baseball bat. Both his arms were completely broken, which gave me the courage.

I grew up in the 70s, when the careers advisor used to come to school, and he used to get the kids together and say, 'Look, I advise you to get a career, what can I say? That's it.'

With all the classes they offer at school, how come they don’t have one for common sense?

You can't have an honest fourth grade school teacher. "Mr. and Mrs. Jones, Johnny, your son, your only child, the fruit of your loin, is a moron. I have no idea how this kid finds a door to get out of the house in the morning. If I were you, I would waste him and start over. Now, I say that with all due respect."

In Europe, kids learn at least four languages before they're out of high school. But our education system is so underfunded, they go to school to buy heroin and an AK-47.

I never learned hate at home, or shame. I had to go to school for that.

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people "the cops." But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

I like church though. Church was a reminder there was something worse than school.

All boys' Catholic school is a lot like going to a regular school, except your teacher is a priest - with benefits. No, I'm kidding. I was never touched by any priest in school. Which makes me think, 'Am I not attractive?'

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

It's so ironic because gay bashers were the ones labeling me in high school. I try and write satire that's well-intentioned. But those intentions have to be hidden. It can't be completely clear and that's what makes it comedy.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!