Quotes and Jokes by Eddie Murphy

Edward Regan Murphy is an American actor, comedian, and singer. Murphy was a regular cast member on Saturday Night Live from 1980 to 1984. He has worked as a stand-up comedian and was ranked No. 10 on Comedy Central's list of the 100 Greatest Stand-ups of All Time.

Top 15 Most Popular Quotes (out of 81)

#1

That's my idol, Elvis Presley. If you went to my house, you`d see pictures all over of Elvis. He's just the greatest entertainer that ever lived. And I think it's because he had such presence. When Elvis walked into a room, Elvis Presley was in the fucking room. I don't give a fuck who was in the room with him, Bogart, Marilyn Monroe.

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#2

Alright, listen up! I don't like white people. I hate rednecks. You people are rednecks. That means I'm enjoyin' this shit.

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#3

I've been in prison for three years. My dick gets hard if the wind blows.

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#4

You're gonna be the nine-toed-havingest-limpingest bitch in Harlem if you don't stop fucking with me.

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#5

Now, a brother's dick is too big, so it'll fuck up his balance... Every time you see a brother in a wheelchair, he ain't always crippled.

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#6

I tell ya, I'm bout as crazy as a dog in a hubcap factory.

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#7

Mick Jagger's lips' so big, black people be going, "You got some big-ass lips!"

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#8

I want a woman that's going to arouse my intellect as well as my lions.

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#9

Bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods. And the bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Excuse me, do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?" And the rabbit says, "No." So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

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#10

My mother ran in the bathroom, see my big brother sitting in the bathroom with a piece of shit in his hand in the tub, I was laying in the bottom of the water with blood gushing out my eye, G.I. Joe up my ass. My mother's like, "What the fuck going on in here?"

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#11

Once you've had a man with no legs, you never go back baby.

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#12

The advice I would give to someone is to not take anyone's advice.

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#13

There's something about the ice cream truck that makes kids lose it. And they can hear that shit from ten blocks away. They don't hear their mothers calling but they can hear that motherfucking ice cream truck.

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#14

Jacuzzi? See, I knew y'all was faggots!

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#15

Disturbing the peace? I got thrown out of a window! What's the fuckin charge for getting pushed out of a moving car, huh? Jaywalking?!

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