Quotes & Jokes by Greg Giraldo / page 3


The reality is I'm not this person with this driving 'get it done' attitude.

Americans are not gonna conserve. We're not gonna shift to smaller cars. We can't - we have big, fat kids.

The NRA is not pro-gun, they’re anti-varmint.

Look at the insane things the Jews believe. The Jews believe that Barbra Streisand is worth $1,000 bucks a ticket.

A dangerous fire retardant chemical is being found in women's breast milk. My wife's breastfeeding, but you know, you gotta be an optimist. I'm like, well, maybe it's making my child fireproof.

The reality is I'm not a 'get knocked down and come back harder' kind of guy.

There was this guy recently who sued his landlord because he said scalding water from the shower burned his genitals. That's a hell of a way to test the water, huh?

When I masturbate I fantasize about having my own apartment. I used to think about Cindy Crawford now I think about leaving a dish in the sink overnight.

Some people say Larry the Cable Guy’s only successful because he’s pandering to the lowest common denominator, blatantly and not ironically exploiting people’s racist and homophobic tendencies. Don’t listen to these people, Larry. They’re just bitter and jealous and right.

Edible underwear?… even during sex, we can't stop eating.

The Japanese scientists just found a 25,000-year-old mammoth in the ice in Siberia, and they're about to clone it... You think the Japanese of all people would want nothing to do with prehistoric animals after what happened with Godzilla.

If you're going to dedicate your career to ranting about the excesses of American capitalism, you probably shouldn't weigh 450 pounds.

Some people are just really goofy kind of guitar acts, and they go out and do these colleges and start making a fortune pretty early on. And other people - I know guys who are great comics, who've done the Letterman show many times, who still barely pay their bills.

A doctor was telling me a lot of people aren't getting their kids circumcised. How many people aren't doing it? I'm not looking to be a trendsetter when it comes to my kid's penis. I don't want my kid to be the only guy in the locker room with a schlong that looks like it's about to rob a bank.

Holy shit, everything comes from China nowadays. Do we make anything in America besides porn and autistic kids anymore?