Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 6

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.

I know I’m not sexy. In high school I was voted "Most Likely to Masturbate".

My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

In my life I've been through plenty. When I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.

My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles. So he nailed my other foot to the floor.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.

When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.

I'm very lucky. Years ago they had images, like W.C. Fields, Laurel and Hardy, Groucho Marx. But today, I think I'm the only one around with an image. And that image is something everyone identified with. They all feel life treated 'em wrong and they got no respect.

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. He said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".