Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1005

Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.

Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?

I loved Peter Sellers. I thought he was the perfect mix of physical comedy with out-of-the-box humor. I loved his tone; I loved his physicality; I loved everything about what he was doing as a comedic actor.

I'm not the voice of reason; I'm more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.

I grew up watching all these crazy movies, European movies and stuff, and I guess that I always laughed at things that were a little more offbeat.

To create a comedy major, I ended up starting a comedy night in the basement of my dorm, and I promoted and produced my final project, which meant I faxed press releases from an old Apple IIC, or whatever it was, to newspapers, not knowing if that would work or if that's how you do things.

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

You can start any Monty Python routine and people finish it for you. Everyone knows it like shorthand.

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

I became a performer because it was what I enjoyed doing.

I'm not playing with you. I will blow that black, crusty, dead knarled motherfucker the fuck off your foot! Now put the razor away!

Damn! This flight attendant treating us like we won these first class tickets in a contest.

Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes.

A lot of things have happened in my private life recently that I thought we could review tonight.

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.