Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1005
Rejected names for World War II: ‘Global Super Killfest’, ‘Germaniacal Japandamonium’, ‘World War 1: New Moon’.
We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.
They call it torture when our guys put underwear on a guy's head, stripped him naked, put an egg between his buttcheeks and made him do jumping jacks. You know, if it can't get you into a fraternity at Chico State University, it's not torture.
God forbid those kids won't have something to suck on all night!
Boys and girls, maybe you should stay in the house if you're having trouble with the phrases 'hot' and 'tasty.'
A lot of people were surprised that Ford picked Nelson Rockefeller to run with him. After all, Rocky had tried to get the job of president three times himself. That's like asking Morris the Cat to watch your tuna salad.
Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.
Hundreds of barefoot Filipinos marched on the roads through the Philippines carrying heavy wooden crosses and whipping their backs until they bled to prepare for Easter. Call me old-fashioned but I just like coloring the eggs.
Pseudoscience describes theories that sound like science but are actually just made up, like aromatherapy or biorhythms or love.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"
I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.
It's like being the National Guard, we may not be seeing as much action as the front line, but we are living to fight another day.