Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1005

Wouldn't it have been weird to go to high school with the Pope? You know, somebody did, someone's sitting at home, watching TV in Poland, they see the Pope, they think, "That guy was a jerk! He was so mean to me and now he's Pope? I got a swirly from the Pope!"

I like to stay at home and sit on my ass.

My father would pass gas and then blame it on imaginary animals.

He will know from and early age that failure is not disgrace. It's just a pitch that you missed, and you'd better get ready for the next one. The next one might be the shot heard round the world. My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don't.

I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I'm like, 'Come on, you've got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you.'

When it comes to sex there are certain things that should always be left unknown, and with my luck, they probably will be.

Valentine’s Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.

If the presidency is the head of the American body politic, Congress is its gastrointestinal tract. Its vast and convoluted inner workings may be mysterious and unpleasant, but in the end they excrete a great deal of material whose successful passage is crucial to our nation's survival.

I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.

The truth is that I'm constitutionally incapable of doing an ordinary job.

By the time I was 7 or 8, I wanted to be a comedy writer.

The auction houses seemed not as dull as their financial counterparts on Wall Street, where parents of daughters imagined glass celings and bottom patting.

Honest or not, in what world is a 35:1 leveraged position sane?

It's like a sort of internet Ren Fair. Its like Dungeons & Dragons but for cool people who have got friends.

You guys get that, right? Gas is three dollars a gallon, our president is a Texas oil man? Heh, we're fucking retarded.