Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1005

I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.

[on using gym equipment] I always hate having to use the equipment after these huge buff guys who move, like, the entire rack of plates. Then I get on, and move two plates, you know like: CLANK! CLANK! "I'm the two plate guy!" CLANK! CLANK! "Anyone wanna spot me?" CLANK! CLANK!

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

I was lucky, you know, I always had a beautiful girl and the money was good. Although I would have done the whole thing over for, oh, perhaps half.

I'm competitive at everything.

Senator John McCain, who spent over five years in a Vietnamese POW camp, publicly releases 1,000 pages of medical records. Now people are left with only one nagging question: what kind of a freak has 1,000 pages of medical records.

We'll never see national shows with 45 shares again.

People are going to see both of us and think it's an Abbott and Costello kind of thing. It's not an easy switch. It's not an easy transition from TV to film.

If I don't take anything that I say seriously only an idiot would.

My girlfriend sleeps in a queen-sized bed and I sleep in a court jester-sized bed.

Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.

My girlfriend’s a redhead; No hair, just a red head.

I just think they should get a fair shake. They didn't. They didn't have the rights regular criminals get.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button!

Yes, what is this? Huh? This is whack! I can't get jiggy with this shit! Where's your damn manager, that pink motherfucker?