Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1005

When you walk into the public restroom, why is everything fucking wet?

I'm of the generation of kids where the G.I. Joe's developed Kung Fu Grip right around the same time I did.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

There's a fraudulent root element of comedy in that we say things night after night as though they are rolling effortlessly from the brain and off the tongue, when in fact they are crafted over weeks and months and years.

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

We use similar products. Our focus industry is healthcare and hospitality. But we haven?t done anything interactive. The first day full of seminars (at the show) is full of things I thought would be useful: quick service restaurant and mobile phone applications. Businesses are providing more services and products by self-service means.

You know, I think there's a good rule of thumb here: Don't take nutritional advice from other species.

If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

You might be a redneck if your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.

There is nothing interesting about just seeing me doing the show then seeing the fans and how much people love me.

I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.

People on the right say to people like me, "Oh, you hate America." And I always say, "No, I love America. I want it back. I don't want you representing it. I don't want torture representing it." If I hated it, I'd be okay with being represented by the torturers.

I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.