Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1006

I would do a scene with a little kid and they’d turn to me afterwards and say, "I love you Eddie Murphy". That’s a new thing for me, to have a co-star in a scene turn to me and tell me they love me. In "48 Hours" Nick Nolte never turned to me and said "I love you Ed”.

Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living.

I could never do what Tiger Woods did...I fucking hate golf!

We come into this world totally defenseless. A bundle of soft, toothless cartilage that can't roll over, focus, or hold in it's own spit. Then, while you're lying there all helpless some doctor walks in and chops off the end of your penis. Who's a happy baby? Who is? Yes, you are.

I recently turned fifty, which is young for a tree, midlife for an elephant, and ancient for a quarter miler, who's son now says, "Dad, I just can't run the quarter with you anymore unless I bring something to read."

My phone will ring at two in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?" I don't fucking know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!

I've heard lots of people lie to themselves but they never fool anyone.

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.

Timing is everything. That’s a cliche. Now. If I’d said that a long time ago, I’d have been original.

Just broke up with somebody. Well, it wasn't really a break up, it was a booty call I might have took too serious.

Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes.

I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

With a cheery delicacy she divided my obsessions into three categories: acceptable, unacceptable, and hilarious.

I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over.