Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1006
To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.
This has been a learning experience for me. I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution. I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy does not appear in the Constitution.
The amazing thing is there are people who've never left this country who talk about the fact that we're the greatest country on Earth. How fucking dumb is that?! Cuz you don't know, if you haven't left here you don't know. There are countries that may be giving shit away every day! Canada's one of those countries. You know what they give away? Health insurance!
This year there are 50 women on the Forbes richest list, or as John Kerry calls that, his little black book.
A lot of people in their 30's get nostalgic for their teen years. Then they get jobs in TV, become bitter and jaded and prematurely old. Then they turn their nostalgia into great television.
The first class people look at you like, “we get on the plane first and we get our drinks first.” I feel like going, “Yeah, you hit the mountain first too.”
I said that the only way I could have a band that would work in the format of my show is if the band were crap. So if I have a band they'd have to really suck.
Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery in 3 years?
Well, when I was younger, I lied all the time, because once you understand the power of lying, it's really like magic because you transform reality for people.
I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.