Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1006

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

I don't want to compare the Republicans to Nazis. I'm just saying, Dick Cheney would have had a nice time in Nazi Germany.

One time I actually cleaned out my closet so good I ended up on the cover of Time magazine.

I like talking about subjects that aren't funny in the first place and making them funny. So anything down and depressing is something I'll talk about.

She was so ugly that when two men broke into her apartment and she yelled "rape" they yelled "nooooooo".

A lot of people in their 30's get nostalgic for their teen years. Then they get jobs in TV, become bitter and jaded and prematurely old. Then they turn their nostalgia into great television.

I said that the only way I could have a band that would work in the format of my show is if the band were crap. So if I have a band they'd have to really suck.

I give money to Unicef because I like the ‘bang for your buck’ aspect. Here’s $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!

Though you feel you're not where you're suppose to be, you shouldn't worry because that next turn that you take, it will lead you to where you wanna go.

If you have a lair then you are probably not a good person.

Well, when I was younger, I lied all the time, because once you understand the power of lying, it's really like magic because you transform reality for people.

If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.

You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.

A household name is like ketchup. Everybody wants ketchup. Ketchup doesn't hurt anybody.

I would do a scene with a little kid and they’d turn to me afterwards and say, "I love you Eddie Murphy". That’s a new thing for me, to have a co-star in a scene turn to me and tell me they love me. In "48 Hours" Nick Nolte never turned to me and said "I love you Ed”.