Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1006
When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.
I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.
I would like one day to not only pop a hymen but actually pull the plastic off the vagina, unwrap the vagina.
Pseudoscience describes theories that sound like science but are actually just made up, like aromatherapy or biorhythms or love.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics - I've never needed a drink more badly in my life.
Isn't that just being a whore? You don't need to join a club. Close your legs, sister.
The only reason I sound depressed is because I'm tired of anxiety.
I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.
I expected to much from my expectations fast and I'm all screwed up again... but I expected that to happen.
That's just something instinctual within men. We always feel like we've got to protect our stuff. Even if it's not worth protecting, we want to protect it. You ever seen people who have like a piece of crap Pinto with a Club on the steering wheel. Somebody breaks the window, steals the Club, leaves the Pinto in a pile of glass.