Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1008

I like to stay at home and sit on my ass.

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.

When it comes to sex there are certain things that should always be left unknown, and with my luck, they probably will be.

I'm bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls.

I think that women just have a primeval instinct to make soup, which they will try to foist on anybody who looks like a likely candidate.

If the presidency is the head of the American body politic, Congress is its gastrointestinal tract. Its vast and convoluted inner workings may be mysterious and unpleasant, but in the end they excrete a great deal of material whose successful passage is crucial to our nation's survival.

You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

Little girls love dolls. They just don't love doll clothes. We've got four thousand dolls and ain't one of them got a stitch of clothes on.

The truth is that I'm constitutionally incapable of doing an ordinary job.

By the time I was 7 or 8, I wanted to be a comedy writer.

Rejected names for World War II: ‘Global Super Killfest’, ‘Germaniacal Japandamonium’, ‘World War 1: New Moon’.

You've gotta share what's going on in your mind.

The auction houses seemed not as dull as their financial counterparts on Wall Street, where parents of daughters imagined glass celings and bottom patting.

It's like a sort of internet Ren Fair. Its like Dungeons & Dragons but for cool people who have got friends.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.