Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1008
Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.
Drive, ego and cocksureness are all essential elements in terms of getting exactly what you want but losing everything you've got.
The truth is that I'm constitutionally incapable of doing an ordinary job.
In my stand-up, I’ve always been loose. If there’s a curtain onstage, I’ll use that in my act. If there’s a door, I’ll use the door. I always like to use everything at my disposal, which makes each show a little different and a little more fun.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.
Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your hands.
Boy George has been charged with falsely imprisoning a man who'd gone to his apartment to pose for photographs. Going to Boy George's house to get your picture taken is like going to David Copperfield's island for a "radio opportunity".
According to the latest poll, a record 73 percent of Americans think the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news: Gas is so expensive that we’ll never get there.
Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.
New management came in and they cleaned everybody out so we hit the skids. We lived in a van, so I kind of know what happens to people when this happens.
If frogs could fly... well we'd still be in this mess, but wouldn't it be neat?
My girlfriend sleeps in a queen-sized bed and I sleep in a court jester-sized bed.