Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1008

I do what I can do when I can do it.

Pseudoscience describes theories that sound like science but are actually just made up, like aromatherapy or biorhythms or love.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button!

If you mention to a woman that the song is disgusting and mysoginistic, they all give you the same answer: "He ain't talking 'bout me!" Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick … He said your name! "No, he didn't!" Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick …

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

The stealth bomber is supposed to be a big deal. It flies in undetected, bombs, then flies away. Hell, I've been doing that all my life.

This year, I will hug my wife more. Or have my assistant hug her more for me.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

It's no coincidence that monogamy sounds so much like monotony.

Being guilty tends to engender feelings of guilt.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

This is a ridiculous heat wave we're in right now, and to contribute, Newt Gingrich said that for the entire month of June, he will stop blowing hot air.

Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, "Please, I used to pull the same trick. There'd be an intervention, I'd make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards."

If you're in high-school and you're not having fun, quit.

A new medical study reports that men who eat ten pizzas a week are less likely to develop prostate problems at age 50. That's because they are usually dead by age 40.