Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1009

I was always confused with what was near-sight and what was far-sight. Now I'm not confused at all: I've got both, I don't give a fuck which is which.

I'm sorry for being me. I won't ever do it again.

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

I'm doing 5000 seat theaters and audiences are going nuts, it's fantastic and it makes me very happy. I'm dirty, but not like this; I just do comedy that I find funny. I'm working on a new tv show for cable and it's not set up yet.

Before I was a comedian, I thought the coolest thing that would happen to me was to be a teenager. Boy, was I wrong.

After seeing Condit last night, we now realize how great a liar Clinton was.

I’ll tell you what’s better than watching the sunrise… Sleeping through it.

If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.

I was a nerd growing up, and I'm a little antisocial and awkward.

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

Our grocery store now has self-checkout, "for your convenience." It's like getting punched in the throat, "for your comfort."

I make my own water - two glasses of H, one glass of O.

I grew up watching all these crazy movies, European movies and stuff, and I guess that I always laughed at things that were a little more offbeat.

I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.