Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1009

I'm competitive at everything.

The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.

Depression isn't affected by gravity.

I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I'll tell you, too, that's starting to depress me about UFO's, about the fact that they cross galaxies, or wherever they come from to visit us, and always end up in places like Fife, Alabama. Maybe these are not super-intelligent beings, man.

I also try to think of ways to articulate the joke more economically.

Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head.

It's like being the National Guard, we may not be seeing as much action as the front line, but we are living to fight another day.

This year, I will hug my wife more. Or have my assistant hug her more for me.

Before modern medicine, would pussies just generally rot up inside you and fall out of you like spoiled oysters on the sidewalk?

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

Being guilty tends to engender feelings of guilt.

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

I have to warn you about tonight's show. Tonight's show will fix your relationship or destroy it. And either way, you're welcome.