Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1009
A lot of people in their 30's get nostalgic for their teen years. Then they get jobs in TV, become bitter and jaded and prematurely old. Then they turn their nostalgia into great television.
I said that the only way I could have a band that would work in the format of my show is if the band were crap. So if I have a band they'd have to really suck.
When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.
When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.
I believe in people getting what's coming to them but don't hold grudges either. We all hurt people, fail and hopefully grow from adversity. Basically, eat shit and thrive.
John Wilkes Booth, who said, "Sorry, I thought he was a critic." Never got a dinner!
If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.
You forget, when you’re in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don’t speak English first and they speak better than I do.
Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
Last time you bring me pie, I cut into it, with my tiny pie cutter, and millions of birds flew out hitting me in the eyes and the temples...it was a trick pie!
I like groaning. That means that you're not pandering to their already settled prejudices.