Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1007
One time I actually cleaned out my closet so good I ended up on the cover of Time magazine.
I have to warn you about tonight's show. Tonight's show will fix your relationship or destroy it. And either way, you're welcome.
I like talking about subjects that aren't funny in the first place and making them funny. So anything down and depressing is something I'll talk about.
We use similar products. Our focus industry is healthcare and hospitality. But we haven?t done anything interactive. The first day full of seminars (at the show) is full of things I thought would be useful: quick service restaurant and mobile phone applications. Businesses are providing more services and products by self-service means.
Why is it that when you wipe up dust its called dusting but when you wipe up a spill its not called spilling? Just something to think about.
College seems like a pretty expensive way to become an alcoholic.
To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it.
I'm pretty drunk and bored with yelling at the stone walls that are your minds.
You might be a redneck if you have the electronic singing fish in more than three rooms in your house.
Before I was a comedian, I thought the coolest thing that would happen to me was to be a teenager. Boy, was I wrong.
He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books."
This is a dream come true. HBO is the highest echelon in the world for a stand-up comedian to attain. Throughout my career I've trusted my instincts to lead me down the right path, and I am honored to work together with this network while contributing to the legacy that is HBO.