Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1007

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.

You are human tennis elbow. You are a pizza burn on the roof of the world's mouth. You are the opposite of Batman.

It isn't a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that's beautiful.

Life is fragile, unless your in the NFL in which case you'll need to wear padding.

That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.

I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I'm like, 'Come on, you've got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you.'

Most people don't know what it's like to stand up there and speak their mind. I have a venue to do that. I get paid to do that. It's not like I'm doing heavy lifting up there. It's not like I'm solving the world's problems. It's like I'm hanging out with a bunch of people and it's cool.

You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

In America, we like everyone to know about the good work we're doing anonymously.

Fatherhood is asking your son to make up a name rather than tell anybody who he is.

South African schoolchildren set a world record this week by creating the world's longest clothesline. Hey, what do South Africans wash their clothes with? Apar-Tide!

It's like a sort of internet Ren Fair. Its like Dungeons & Dragons but for cool people who have got friends.

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.

Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There’s no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, “Look, it’s always gonna be me!”