Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1007
If I could go back to any decade it wouldn’t be the 80s, it would be the 70s. See we didn’t have all those computer games in the 70s, we had real games. Do you remember mouse trap? (audience cheers). Yeah, we didn’t have that...
I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I'm like, 'Come on, you've got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you.'
Valentine’s Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.
I think that women just have a primeval instinct to make soup, which they will try to foist on anybody who looks like a likely candidate.
A lot of things have happened in my private life recently that I thought we could review tonight.
You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
On why porn stars cant act: "I wanna know the correlation between an uncle's finger and bad acting"
Today is a brand new day. A day of change, of promise, of creativity, of kindness, and of love. I'm going back to bed.
Little girls love dolls. They just don't love doll clothes. We've got four thousand dolls and ain't one of them got a stitch of clothes on.
I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.
The truth is that I'm constitutionally incapable of doing an ordinary job.
Being a parent is a life sentence. From the day that kid is born until the day you die. And then some. Mum, there is nothing to forgive. You gave me life. And, hey, you're not crazy anymore. Everybody thinks I am. Real funny, mum.
Rejected names for World War II: ‘Global Super Killfest’, ‘Germaniacal Japandamonium’, ‘World War 1: New Moon’.