Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1007
The Greatest Generation gets too much credit. Those World War II guys, if they had all the shit we have today, they'd be assholes too. It's just circumstantial. It's what you're called on to do that makes you great. We haven't been called on to do anything but buy shit and get fat.
I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
I can't think of a worse place to be, without a passport, without any money, ... Then you'd be really screwed.
One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...
According to the latest poll, a record 73 percent of Americans think the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news: Gas is so expensive that we’ll never get there.
Just go up to somebody on the street and say "You're it!" and then run away.
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
My neighbor's pit bull just attacked their baby. Their kid is fine. But the baby's dead.
I read somewhere that hair grows until you reach 40, then it goes in the opposite direction, into the head, and out the ears, nose and other odd places.
I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They’re like: You look completely appropriate. You don’t look stupid or lonely at all.
I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.
My penis is like a burn victim after I orgasm. Don't get near it. It hurts. Leave it be.