Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1022

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.

Number one: Don't frisk me. Don't hurt me physically. Don't get anywhere near my neck. And don't call me Regis.

Boy George has been charged with falsely imprisoning a man who'd gone to his apartment to pose for photographs. Going to Boy George's house to get your picture taken is like going to David Copperfield's island for a "radio opportunity".

Christina Aguilera finally announced her pregnancy. Thanks for waiting until your third trimester to get the word out - why not just wait until you’re crowning?

Happy Birthday to Fay Wray, a wonderful actress. She was, of course, in the movie "King Kong" and would have been 99-years-old today. She was famous because of her love interest with a giant ape, and, wait a minute, that's Maria Shriver.

How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers... damn anthropologists.

I spend most of my free time under the house.

I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.

The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other.

I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it… so I just added "ish" to every number.

There’s a huge amount of work that goes into placating a network in regular television. It’s literally 70% or 80% of your workload, is showing them the material, getting their notes and presenting it to them and making sure they weigh in. It’s a huge amount of work.

Remember that guy who got gored by a bull and the bull pulled his underwear off and he had to run around the ring naked? If that footage comes out, I'll run that.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.