Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1022

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I’m not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?

The way I look at it, if the kids are still alive when my husband comes home from work, then I’ve done my job.

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?

Did you hear this – Sarah Palin finally heard what happened in Japan and she’s demanding that we invade Tsunami. I mean she said, "These Tsunamians will not get away with this". Oh speaking of dumb twats, did you...

You might be a redneck if you have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.

It's no coincidence that monogamy sounds so much like monotony.

You know that if you leave your underwear on a plane, things did not go the way you intended.

People can't seem to get it through their heads that there is never any healing or closure. Ever. There is only a short pause before the next "horrifying" event. People forget there is such a thing as memory, and that when a wound "heals" it leaves a permanent scar that never goes away, but merely fades a little. What really ought to be said after one of these so-called tragedies is, "Let the scarring begin."

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

Girls always have to call somebody when something slightly traumatic almost happens. (Mimes phone call)<br /> (Girl voice) “Ohmigod, you’ll never guess what almost happened.”<br /> (himself) “Let me guess: nothing. Because it’s almost. Goodbye.” Click.

There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house.