Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1022

As I stand in line at southwest I feel the urge to moo really loud or scream.

The Greatest Generation gets too much credit. Those World War II guys, if they had all the shit we have today, they'd be assholes too. It's just circumstantial. It's what you're called on to do that makes you great. We haven't been called on to do anything but buy shit and get fat.

The cop gets to the window and says the same thing that they all say, right, "Do you know why I stopped you?" It was too easy. I looked at him and I said, "'Cause you can smell it."

I was ambitious and desperate to direct my first film, so I capitulated and blew it. Never again. Never fucking again.

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.

Christina Aguilera finally announced her pregnancy. Thanks for waiting until your third trimester to get the word out - why not just wait until you’re crowning?

Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.

How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?

Time is only linear for engineers and referees.

Resentments are a waste of time. One day I'll stop resenting myself.

Having feelings doesn’t mean you have to have sex.

Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot.

Hundreds of barefoot Filipinos marched on the roads through the Philippines carrying heavy wooden crosses and whipping their backs until they bled to prepare for Easter. Call me old-fashioned but I just like coloring the eggs.

If it is now socially acceptable for women to get fake boobs and fake lips and fake noses, why the fuck can't I get antlers?

When you're accustomed to doing stand-up, so often you're the only person onstage and it's all your thing. It's very gladiatorial. Obviously, when you're in a scene with somebody, you're supposed to listen and react - and that's a bit of a transition.