Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1021

The Marines gave me a really strong sense of discipline and a work ethic that kicks in at my job.

In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.

As I stand in line at southwest I feel the urge to moo really loud or scream.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.

I was ambitious and desperate to direct my first film, so I capitulated and blew it. Never again. Never fucking again.

If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot.

Time is only linear for engineers and referees.

I am the Saudi Arabia of unhappiness. I have so many reserves of misery that you wouldn't understand. I actually think that's part of why I connect with Canadians. I think they understand grinding misery underneath.

Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.

You might be a redneck if... your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

This is TV the way it's supposed to be, ain't it? Let's try on jackets. It's fun!

Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?

No one gets a free ride. Except maybe bus drivers.

Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot.

I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. If I'm at home, I'm usually in my office editing or reconstructing my website or whatever it may be. I just love putting creativity into a performance, so if the right script comes along, and I certainly am reading comedies and dramas now, then I'm ready willing and able to give it a shot.