Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1021

I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.

You might be a redneck if you think 'N Sync is where the dirty dishes go.

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

My father would pass gas and then blame it on imaginary animals.

The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.

If conservatives get to call universal healthcare "socialized medicine", I get to call private, for-profit healthcare "soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain".

(On the Edinburgh Festival) I must get some kind of masochistic pleasure out of it. But I have no idea why I go there. No idea at all.

We broke up, and my first reaction was 'Fine - I've been through this too many times. I can't change your mind. I can't live your life for you. You're gone in your direction. I'm going to pick up; I'm going to go in my direction. I'm not going to live in the past. I'm not going to embrace the pain. You go, I'll go, and that will be it.' And I felt that way for an hour and 10 minutes.

Never trust anyone who buttons their top button.

It's painful, but we can't heal ourselves unless we cleanse the wounds.

You think you have anger issues? I just yelled at a sandwich. Not kidding.

The Marines gave me a really strong sense of discipline and a work ethic that kicks in at my job.

There will be select instances where the consumer is interested in paying for premium content. I think it will be difficult to get people to pay for something on the Internet that they can find elsewhere on the Internet for free.

You've gotta share what's going on in your mind.

It's like a sort of internet Ren Fair. Its like Dungeons & Dragons but for cool people who have got friends.