Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1023
You might be a redneck if there are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
I’m making a porno film today. Well, kinda. There’s no sex or people in it. It’s mainly time lapse video of landscapes eroding over time.
I can't control what people think this was. I can only tell you my intentions. This was not a rally to ridicule people of faith. Or people of activism or to look down our noses at the heartland or passionate argument or to suggest that times are not difficult and that we have nothing to fear. They are and we do. But we live now in hard times, not end times. And we can have animus and not be enemies.
It's painful, but we can't heal ourselves unless we cleanse the wounds.
The Marines gave me a really strong sense of discipline and a work ethic that kicks in at my job.
The Greatest Generation gets too much credit. Those World War II guys, if they had all the shit we have today, they'd be assholes too. It's just circumstantial. It's what you're called on to do that makes you great. We haven't been called on to do anything but buy shit and get fat.
I was ambitious and desperate to direct my first film, so I capitulated and blew it. Never again. Never fucking again.
Number one: Don't frisk me. Don't hurt me physically. Don't get anywhere near my neck. And don't call me Regis.
I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.
You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.
I say it with my tongue firmly planted in cheek but there's truth to it - being a comedian is very close to being a therapist. When you're working smaller clubs, you're listening. You're feeling an energy, you're going with a tone but when people start yelling out, you almost start a conversation with people.
You learn very very quickly that it is mostly about swearing, actually. That's all you're doing, swearing, in a box with wheels.
Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.