Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1023
People can't seem to get it through their heads that there is never any healing or closure. Ever. There is only a short pause before the next "horrifying" event. People forget there is such a thing as memory, and that when a wound "heals" it leaves a permanent scar that never goes away, but merely fades a little. What really ought to be said after one of these so-called tragedies is, "Let the scarring begin."
They always have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like under-achievers.
You know what's ironic is that I am against the death penalty, and yet, my porno name is Lethal Injection. Isn't that weird?
He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
But what about the children, Lewis? I can hear some of you asking. What about the children? It's more disturbing to hear adults talking about having seen a tit as shocking and disturbing and indecent than it is for children to see one.
"I can't believe you recently had a baby. How do you do it?"<br /> [pause]<br /> The baby starts to come down...and once that happens you can't-it comes out. Whether you let it or not, the baby comes out. So that's how I did it.
If you're 1 of the 3 girls in pics with a greaseball whose arms are around you at a club you lose at life. If you're the greaseball you win.
I'm like President Ford: I can't do two things at once. I can't have intercourse and enjoy myself at the same time.
"Do you know what it is sir? Do you know what the Dance Dance Revolution is? It's not an actual revolution, so you don't have to worry about that. It's not like a bunch of Asians are going to knock on your door 'Hey! Start dancing!'"
It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.
A policeman stopped me and said: "Would you please blow into this bag, sir?" I said: "What for, officer?" He said: "My chips are too hot."
50% of Americas population spends less than 10 dollars a month on romance. You know what we call these people? Men!