Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1023

When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.

You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh.

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

Yeah, apparently chasing a bus uses different muscles than sitting and eating.

“How do you know he wasn’t being sincere, Arj?”

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.

The only reason I sound depressed is because I'm tired of anxiety.

I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

If I need directions, I’m not asking a man with one tooth. I’m asking a man with one leg. Because he definitely knows the easiest way to get there.

The kind of beautiful that if your life ever flashed before your eyes you'd have to stop at that part and beat off.

I'll tell you what can make bacon better... nothing.

I want to be the greatest actor that ever lived, frankly. I'd love that. But I don't need to be. I just want to be here. That's it.