Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1023

When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.

Did you hear what he said before he was elected? He goes, 'I'm going to go through the national budget, line by line, and I'm going to cut out everything we don't need.' Did you see the inauguration? They flew out his high school marching band from Hawaii. Maybe it's me, but shouldn't 30 Hawaiian tuba players be somewhere near the top of the 'Shit We Don't Need' column in the national budget?

When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony.

A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.

Bush proposed a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. Some saw the move as an attempt to preserve traditional values, while others saw it as a cynical ploy to ensure that Vice President... Cheney will never have to pay for his gay daughter's wedding.

Curiosity, that's what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It's our own hearts and minds.

One night after a show he gave me a gift. When I opened up the bag, he had made out of clay and dried macaroni a model of the universe with the planets and everything. Then in the middle of the model was an action figure with my face on it. I was the center of his universe.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

GOP strategists hope the revelation of Kerry's wealth might debunk his status as a, quote, man of the people, and reveal him to be a bit of a fat cat. Unlike the President who as we all know before attending Andover and Yale, was a Cockney matchstick girl dying of tuberculosis.

I definitely look at my body and I go: 'Yuck.'

This year I'm a star, but what will I be next year? A black hole?

It was a personal achievement of mine to get on David Letterman. When I got there, I knew things were really happening for me.

My films are therapy for my debilitating depression. In institutions people weave baskets. I make films.

And now that you have a child you have to clean up your act, 'cause you can't drink anymore. You can't come home drunk and go, "Hey, here`s a little switch: Daddy's gonna throw up on you!"

And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.