Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1024

Let's start anew. Life is goals - Purpose-Attempts - Struggle-Dreams and Accomplishmenties. It sounds confusing (my fault), but it's actually simple.

If you don't do any self-examinations or see a doctor ever, you'll live forever. That's how you do it. The diagnosis is what gets you. You just have a don't ask, don't tell policy with any and all bodily functions.

I was at peace with it; I'd taken his hatred and insecurity-driven malice and turned it into fame, money, and of course, pussy.

I love performing in front of all you wonderful people. But really, this isn’t all that. What I really want is my own show. But the BBC have very strict guidlines about ethnicity. Apparently I’ve got to wait for Lenny Henry to die.

Herman Cain was unaware that China is a nuclear power. And I said to myself, "Hey, Herman, how about making an unwanted advance on a history book?"

You might be a redneck if you've ever been arrested for loitering.

Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I’m in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.

Dress like a gentleman, but my mouth is never civilized.

Let’s start with this statistic: You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there’s something better out there is to first believe there’s something better out there. What other choice is there?

You have the sex appeal of Norman Fell.

You might be a redneck if there are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.

Funny is only something that others know about you - you can't be funny by yourself.

He admitted this was stupid. It's a very serious offence. I wouldn't consider it a prank. ... It could have turned into something that caused far more injury, and even death, than it did.