Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1024
Let’s start with this statistic: You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there’s something better out there is to first believe there’s something better out there. What other choice is there?
Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that’s stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.
You might be a redneck if your car has never had a full tank of gas.
Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.
Rush Limbaugh. He should come out everyday with shit on his face. And just sit down at that fucking desk with that smug stupid little smile and say, “I was talking to Pat Robertson today as you can see.”
Funny is only something that others know about you - you can't be funny by yourself.
If a man is really into you, nothing will stop him from being with you - including a fear of intimacy.
The Marines gave me a really strong sense of discipline and a work ethic that kicks in at my job.
In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.
Once you've been an astronaut and you've gone on a mission, doesn't the rest of your life just add up to one big disappointment after another? What are their daily lives like? ‘Golly gee, I caught a fish! Ha ha! This reminds me of that time I walked on the fucking moon!’
Don't let's someone walk all over you unless you're into that kind of thing.
I was ambitious and desperate to direct my first film, so I capitulated and blew it. Never again. Never fucking again.