Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1024
Let's start anew. Life is goals - Purpose-Attempts - Struggle-Dreams and Accomplishmenties. It sounds confusing (my fault), but it's actually simple.
If you don't do any self-examinations or see a doctor ever, you'll live forever. That's how you do it. The diagnosis is what gets you. You just have a don't ask, don't tell policy with any and all bodily functions.
They say, "you only hurt the one" you love, so thankfully I'm off the hook.
The only pitch I have to movie people is the same as this one: Just give me $8 million. I'm not telling you what it's about and I'm not telling you who's in it.
That's a vicious rumour! A rumour started by a few million people.
I don't think wood was discovered in Britain until the 1970's. That's when I discovered it anyway.
To me, it's very exhilarating when somebody else does a great thing, and it's not me.
Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.
She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.
You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living.
It's painful, but we can't heal ourselves unless we cleanse the wounds.
Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family...