Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1025

You might be a redneck if your wedding was held in the delivery room.

You can’t become tempted if you just give in a little quicker.

I moved recently and I moved my cable and Internet and phone service which was all provided by Time Warner Cable. And you know, I made a plan with them where they'd come sometime between summer solstice and winter solstice and I would wait.

The laughs are honestly bigger, ... They are the kind of unexpected belly laughs you get with your friends during conversation.

I was ambitious and desperate to direct my first film, so I capitulated and blew it. Never again. Never fucking again.

Everybody is corrupted by hotel rooms. You can't help it. It's the only place in the world where you walk in and the first think you do is steal everything before you take your coat off.

How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?

As far as exercising goes... watch for my next book, How I died while Jogging.

I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?

I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock

You don't need a critic to tell you people aren't laughing.

When we’re picking someone who we want to spend a lot of time with, even perhaps for the rest of our lives, we generally try to pick someone who likes to do the things we like to do.

Everything that’s difficult you should be able to laugh about.

Yeah, apparently chasing a bus uses different muscles than sitting and eating.

Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home in prison.