Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1025
No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.
This is TV the way it's supposed to be, ain't it? Let's try on jackets. It's fun!
The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.
The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.
Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot.
A lot of people were surprised that Ford picked Nelson Rockefeller to run with him. After all, Rocky had tried to get the job of president three times himself. That's like asking Morris the Cat to watch your tuna salad.
When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.
Yeah, apparently chasing a bus uses different muscles than sitting and eating.
People love gossip. It's the biggest thing that keeps the entertainment industry going.
(On his long-term goals.) I want to have more courage, conquer my fear of lightning and, by my 40th birthday, be drinking 50% less of my current alcohol consumption. I also want to meet Barack Obama, or take significant steps to getting into Outer Space.
A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.