Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1025
She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.
You know your girls up to no good when her and her friends make a pact to post nothing on Instagram.
When I go onstage, I don't know what I'm going to say. I don't know what's going to come out of my mouth. It's one of those questions where any and everything is possible. I literally could be talking about somebody I was hanging out with two seconds ago or something from the news. Literally, there's really no rhyme or reason for it. I want to be free flowing like that.
I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.
I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. If I'm at home, I'm usually in my office editing or reconstructing my website or whatever it may be. I just love putting creativity into a performance, so if the right script comes along, and I certainly am reading comedies and dramas now, then I'm ready willing and able to give it a shot.
He doesn't sound like a guy who's done a onesome, let alone a threesome.
I don't have all the answers. I don't have a big closer, and I may not have a point. But I have a tit-fuck joke.
As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.
She didn't love me that much, but she moved in with me. That's a plus. And then one night, I caught her making out with another dude on the driveway. That's a minus.
I want to be the greatest actor that ever lived, frankly. I'd love that. But I don't need to be. I just want to be here. That's it.
Did you hear what he said before he was elected? He goes, 'I'm going to go through the national budget, line by line, and I'm going to cut out everything we don't need.' Did you see the inauguration? They flew out his high school marching band from Hawaii. Maybe it's me, but shouldn't 30 Hawaiian tuba players be somewhere near the top of the 'Shit We Don't Need' column in the national budget?