Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1025
Zsa Zsa Gabor, the only woman ever to apply for group alimony. Never got a dinner!
We can sit and worry about what's going to happen to us two weeks from now. I'd rather focus on the amazing things happening right in front of us.
I'd like to die like my father died... My father died fucking. My father was 57 when he died. The woman was 18. My father came and went at the same time.
Let’s start with this statistic: You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there’s something better out there is to first believe there’s something better out there. What other choice is there?
Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that’s stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.
On why porn stars cant act: "I wanna know the correlation between an uncle's finger and bad acting"
I’m making a porno film today. Well, kinda. There’s no sex or people in it. It’s mainly time lapse video of landscapes eroding over time.
When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, how can that be? How can you not have all day?
Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.
I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.
You might be a redneck if your wedding was held in the delivery room.
They used to have a smoking section at most airports. No more. They now have these glass-encased rooms. You're not just a smoker, you're an example to other people. You're an exhibit at a futuristic zoo.