Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1025
You might be a redneck if... your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot.
Yeah, apparently chasing a bus uses different muscles than sitting and eating.
When you're accustomed to doing stand-up, so often you're the only person onstage and it's all your thing. It's very gladiatorial. Obviously, when you're in a scene with somebody, you're supposed to listen and react - and that's a bit of a transition.
Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home in prison.
If your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat, you might be a redneck.
Yes, okay, it’s cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a unicycle. That’s cool when it’s on the side and you have a plan. What happens when you remove the plan? What you’re left with is a guy who likes to do anagrams. And doesn’t have a job… Sweet, that’s a catch.
I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
You might be a redneck if you have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.
I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.
To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.
Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.