Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1032
Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian.
(On his long-term goals.) I want to have more courage, conquer my fear of lightning and, by my 40th birthday, be drinking 50% less of my current alcohol consumption. I also want to meet Barack Obama, or take significant steps to getting into Outer Space.
If we go down in flames, we will be laughing on the way down, believe me.
I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, "Screw that, I'll just make a copy!"
I'm like oysters; a few people claim they're a delicacy, but most people find the idea of putting one in their mouth disgusting.
Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
You might be a redneck if you have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.
Now drinking and driving… a lot of people say its wrong. And I call those people the cops. Sometimes you have no choice. Hey, those kids have got to get to school.
Ever since I've switched to the clean syringes, I've never felt better in my entire life.
Tittie bars got weird morality. One time I walked into a tittie bar - all these guys coming in, right? Out of these dudes, the bouncer picked me out of the crowd and started yelling at me. “Hey Buddy! Sir! Sir! You wanna take your hat off? It’s disrespectful to the ladies.” Yeah, I can shove a twenty up her ass but I better not have a hat on when I do it.
Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans...