Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1032
[after drunkenly getting his ear pierced]<br /> I go "it wasn't my fault, it was Captain Morgan!" And [my wife] goes "Oh, like when Jose Cuervo made you ride the floor buffer?", and I said "Exactly!"
If you don't do any self-examinations or see a doctor ever, you'll live forever. That's how you do it. The diagnosis is what gets you. You just have a don't ask, don't tell policy with any and all bodily functions.
You wake up and you're still a little drunk and you can't believe that hot girl from last night actually has a beard and a penis.
Reform Jews are the children of Conservative Jews, or as they are sometimes known, Christians with curlier hair.
This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you order french fries and there's a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you're alarmed but you eat it. It all comes from the same place! You just have to go for it.
There's been a lot of simple vilification of right-wing people. It's really easy to say, 'Well, you're Christian, you're anti-this and that, and I hate you.' But to me, it's more interesting to say, 'What is this person like and how do they really think?'
What hair color do they put on the driver's license's of bald men?
You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living.
Yeah, let me give it a shot! The other, a few weeks ago my car broke down on the road. I had it pulled over to the side, and there’s just smoke pouring out of the motor. A guy stops to see if I’m all right, but he asks the stupid question. He said, “Car break down?” I said, “Nah, car wanted a cigarette, so I pulled over!” Here’s your sign!
But I understand that relationship; I understand how the mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationship has so many conflicts because it's so forced.
Money can't buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger biscuits.