Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1032
You don’t mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don’t want to be inside of.
I was born at home on newspapers. I still have a story on my butt, although now the print is much larger.
Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.
Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
I never did that badly with women when I wasn't on telly, but it's a bit out of control now. Women try it on with me more than I'm comfortable with. It's strange, because I think I look like a troll wearing a woman's wig backwards.
They say the measure of a man is judged by the company he keeps. I'm fucked.
I'm not religious anymore, but I think it's like papal infallibility, which is a ridiculous man-made tenet, like what I believe most religious tenets to be, are man-made after the fact.
Having my daughter I screamed for twenty-three hours straight. And that was just during conception.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Do men who have plastic surgery want to look like a ventriloquist dummy under water, or does it just come out that way?
You forget, when you’re in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don’t speak English first and they speak better than I do.
To create a comedy major, I ended up starting a comedy night in the basement of my dorm, and I promoted and produced my final project, which meant I faxed press releases from an old Apple IIC, or whatever it was, to newspapers, not knowing if that would work or if that's how you do things.
I became a terrible drunk or alcoholic - or a good one depending on your point of view.
There's something weird, something phenomenally dreary about Christian singing. The Gospel singers are the only singers that just go crazy, joyous and it's fucking amazing! And it's born out of kidnapping, imprisonment, slavery, murder, all of that - and this joyous singing!