Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1032

It seems to be a common denominator with a lot of comics, this low self-esteem thing.

When I first hit the scene, it was just a lot of go, go, go, go, go. I have a lot of natural energy anyway, but it was over the top.

And I've always been paranoid. I can remember as a baby my mother would spin the mobile above my head and thinking..."yeah, that's coming down."

If it is now socially acceptable for women to get fake boobs and fake lips and fake noses, why the fuck can't I get antlers?

“How do you know he wasn’t being sincere, Arj?”

People love gossip. It's the biggest thing that keeps the entertainment industry going.

If your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat, you might be a redneck.

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?

Don't ever rope me in as a late-night talk show host. I don't want to be one.

Memories, priceless. Well not really priceless, but there you go!

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!