Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1031

That's a vicious rumour! A rumour started by a few million people.

The problem is, the more famous you get, the more people see you who didn't choose to.

I’m more of a glass empty kinda guy. I look at it as having more room for ice.

There's been a lot of simple vilification of right-wing people. It's really easy to say, 'Well, you're Christian, you're anti-this and that, and I hate you.' But to me, it's more interesting to say, 'What is this person like and how do they really think?'

Never trust anyone who buttons their top button.

I'm a peripheral visionary.

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

As I stand in line at southwest I feel the urge to moo really loud or scream.

On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.

Number one: Don't frisk me. Don't hurt me physically. Don't get anywhere near my neck. And don't call me Regis.

It sucks being fat, you know.

There are a lot of things money can’t buy. Not one of them is on my son’s list.

Senator John McCain, who spent over five years in a Vietnamese POW camp, publicly releases 1,000 pages of medical records. Now people are left with only one nagging question: what kind of a freak has 1,000 pages of medical records.