Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1031
People watch TV on their laptops. I got the laptop, this has made me so lazy, this is ruining my life. I don't even turn off mine anymore. Do you? I just close mine. I can't be bothered with all that "Shutdown? Are you sure?" Questions, questions!
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
Even people who don’t believe in science still have to believe in gravity.
I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"
I definitely have breast envy. When teenage girls were saying 'I wish I had breasts', I was thinking the same thing.
Today is a brand new day. A day of change, of promise, of creativity, of kindness, and of love. I'm going back to bed.
You might be a redneck if your car has never had a full tank of gas.
Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with the other men. There is a three year waiting list.
But there was something really serendipitous that was happening, with some kind of energy that things would ultimately just work out, sometimes better than when you plan.
There will be select instances where the consumer is interested in paying for premium content. I think it will be difficult to get people to pay for something on the Internet that they can find elsewhere on the Internet for free.
Money can't buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger biscuits.
Once you've been an astronaut and you've gone on a mission, doesn't the rest of your life just add up to one big disappointment after another? What are their daily lives like? ‘Golly gee, I caught a fish! Ha ha! This reminds me of that time I walked on the fucking moon!’
Sometimes American news is like a tired old whore that only tells you things you wanna hear.