Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1031

I read somewhere that hair grows until you reach 40, then it goes in the opposite direction, into the head, and out the ears, nose and other odd places.

Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible.

I will not bond. I will not share. I refuse to nurture.

Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"

Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a post office.

I’m not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?

To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.

People can't seem to get it through their heads that there is never any healing or closure. Ever. There is only a short pause before the next "horrifying" event. People forget there is such a thing as memory, and that when a wound "heals" it leaves a permanent scar that never goes away, but merely fades a little. What really ought to be said after one of these so-called tragedies is, "Let the scarring begin."

If you're in a room with Britney Spears, you just want to say, "What did you shave your head for, love?"

To a heckler: I, sir, am heterosexual, and one day I will show you the statistics and make you weep.

I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.

I’ll do anything for my wife, it’s turning out.

When God closes a door he opens a window. Sounds to me like someone's on the toilet...

You'll tell all your friends but I don't give a shit, I don't know your friends. And besides, how much pussy do you get on referral?

One guy I was in bed with him and he kept saying to me, “Tell me what you want? Tell me what you want? Tell me what you want?’  I want a milkshake, what do you think I want?