Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1031
It’s hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
Maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun".
Don't take Ambien with beer, Inman, you'll black out and fuck up all kinds of shit.
There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that.
Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
I never did that badly with women when I wasn't on telly, but it's a bit out of control now. Women try it on with me more than I'm comfortable with. It's strange, because I think I look like a troll wearing a woman's wig backwards.
I'm not religious anymore, but I think it's like papal infallibility, which is a ridiculous man-made tenet, like what I believe most religious tenets to be, are man-made after the fact.
I’m relaxed about my career. I’ve been making movies for over 20 years, so I’ve earned at least the right to relax.
Having my daughter I screamed for twenty-three hours straight. And that was just during conception.
The mai tai got its name when two Polynesian alcoholics got in a fight over some neckwear.
You forget, when you’re in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don’t speak English first and they speak better than I do.
I still take the pill because I don't want any more grandchildren.
Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.