Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1033
I’m making a porno film today. Well, kinda. There’s no sex or people in it. It’s mainly time lapse video of landscapes eroding over time.
Being a teenager is the worst thirty years of your life. But it all changes after that. You get a great car, a great job. You got a wife, kids, you got your health. But then your company is sold out from under you, your stocks tank, your wife's sleeping with the gardener and your teenage daughter is pregnant. And you notice that you have a prostate so hard, you can actually take a hammer to it. But hey, not one zit.
In America, we like everyone to know about the good work we're doing anonymously.
My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.
They used to have a smoking section at the airport. No more. They now have these glass-encased rooms. You’re not just a smoker, you’re an example to other people. You’re an exhibit at a futuristic zoo. You’re in a nicotine terrarium. There ought to be a sign that says, “The addict in his natural environment.”
She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.
Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family...
I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.
Money can't buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger biscuits.
You might be a redneck if your wedding was held in the delivery room.
They used to have a smoking section at most airports. No more. They now have these glass-encased rooms. You're not just a smoker, you're an example to other people. You're an exhibit at a futuristic zoo.
A Catholic priest who’s been sending threatening notes to Conan O’Brien was charged with stalking in the fourth degree. It just goes to show you that people can become obsessed with redheads.
If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot.