Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1033

I just unfollowed myself. Why follow an idiot.

You can't get un-famous. You can get infamous, but you can't get un-famous.

There is nothing interesting about just seeing me doing the show then seeing the fans and how much people love me.

Ratings for the XFL are so low that pretty soon they'll be able to address the viewers by name.

Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

It’s hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

When you speak directly at things and don't say you're going to try to do something or that you hope to do something, the universe will work with you. Think about it this way - a boomerang goes out and comes back to you if you throw it. If you throw it out at the universe, it will come back down to you on Earth.

Maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun".

I believe in people getting what's coming to them but don't hold grudges either. We all hurt people, fail and hopefully grow from adversity. Basically, eat shit and thrive.

A policeman stopped me and said: "Would you please blow into this bag, sir?" I said: "What for, officer?" He said: "My chips are too hot."

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

Did you know that 10% of all Americans have not had sex in 5 years? I didn't know there were so many Republicans...