Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1042
I think before giving me a credit card, they should have given me a math test. A series of story problems. “If Maria’s boyfriend is in a folk band but he only smokes pot every other day, what percentage of the rent will he be able to contribute?” Now I thought 50%. But the answer is zero.
It's the inevitable consummation of this largely manufactured battle between a man who makes people laugh for a living and whatever people think I do. In a televised, two-part hatefuck that is, by all measure, bound to dissapoint anyone that's been following it. Catch the fever!
Don't let's someone walk all over you unless you're into that kind of thing.
I'm glad that my parents missed one thing that was really unbelievable. They saw me hit this great success. It was a blast and we had a lot of laughs. And it was just an amazing time. They passed away. And then after I got, you know, famous, all these haters came out of nowhere.
I'd like to name my kid a whole phrase. You know, something like "Ladies and Gentlemen". That'll be a cool name for a kid. "This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen!" Then, when he gets out of hand, I get to go, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please!"
On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.
The cop gets to the window and says the same thing that they all say, right, "Do you know why I stopped you?" It was too easy. I looked at him and I said, "'Cause you can smell it."
A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.
When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
A good newspaper is never nearly good enough but a lousy newspaper is a joy forever.