Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1042
Democracy is like a tambourine: not everyone can be trusted with it.
Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.
Remember that guy who got gored by a bull and the bull pulled his underwear off and he had to run around the ring naked? If that footage comes out, I'll run that.
When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.
They always have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like under-achievers.
A man says to another man, 'Can you tell me how to get to Central Park?' The guy says no. 'All right,' says the first, 'I'll mug you here.'
He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.
In an interview, Paris Hilton said that of her and her sister, "People love to hate us. But when you know us, you love us. And if you really get to know us, you get gonorrhea."
I think we look back at times past with fondness because we were younger. Life had not yet begun pecking away at our innocence like buzzards on fresh road kill.
Victoria Beckham should get a life, I am not a fan of outrageous consumption. I think it is vulgar. And no-one should flaunt that they have a hundred Hermes $12,000 bags. Not when people are starving. Everyone should be allowed to have a great time but she shows a distinct lack of class.
We spend all our time now on customer service phone calls. I used to read when I was on the toilet, but now that's when I make customer service calls.
There is nothing interesting about just seeing me doing the show then seeing the fans and how much people love me.