Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1042

When God closes a door he opens a window. Sounds to me like someone's on the toilet...

I had five dollars in the bank that I couldn't have for three days until they charged me another 15. Leaving me with -10. What does that mean? I don't even have no money any more. I wish I had nothing. But I don't have it. I don't have that much. I have not ten. Negative ten. I can't afford to buy something that doesn't cost anything. I can only afford to get something that costs you give me ten dollars.

Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.

It's like, it's kind of like if you ever had a car and it was a bit of a clunker but you love it, that's my show. It's a bit of a clunker but I know where everything is and I like it.

I like to read naked but only on my iPad so I can use my boob to swipe the page.

Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

I want to do a reality show based on “The Mole” but it’s really about sexually transmitted diseases. And it’s called, “God, I Hope That’s a Mole.”

I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.

I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it.

Having my daughter I screamed for twenty-three hours straight. And that was just during conception.

I don’t think more concentration is required for Robert De Niro to do what he does as for Jim Carrey to do what he does.

Do men who have plastic surgery want to look like a ventriloquist dummy under water, or does it just come out that way?

Montovani? They play Montovani to insomniacs that don't respond to strong drugs.