Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1042

[on using gym equipment] I always hate having to use the equipment after these huge buff guys who move, like, the entire rack of plates. Then I get on, and move two plates, you know like: CLANK! CLANK! "I'm the two plate guy!" CLANK! CLANK! "Anyone wanna spot me?" CLANK! CLANK!

It sucks being fat, you know.

I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?

The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can get a lot of television deals that don't go anywhere, but you still get paid.

The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other.

Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

Well, I don't live in the past like you, so I don't remember.

It's really the kids that do you in. We have two kids. That's fucking stupid. Don't do that.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

I have no money. I don’t even have a savings account cause I don’t know my mother’s maiden name and apparently that’s the key to whole thing.

I like how, when you're talking to someone, the phrase, "I'm sure you understand," really means, "And I don't give a fuck what you think."

(On his long-term goals.) I want to have more courage, conquer my fear of lightning and, by my 40th birthday, be drinking 50% less of my current alcohol consumption. I also want to meet Barack Obama, or take significant steps to getting into Outer Space.

If you came here tonight for sex with a talk show host, you've got the wrong studio.

When we started this show, my hair was black and the president was white. When we started the show, Jon and Kate were both eight.