Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1042
When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony.
I like to read naked but only on my iPad so I can use my boob to swipe the page.
Don't take Ambien with beer, Inman, you'll black out and fuck up all kinds of shit.
Fall is my favourite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change colour and fall from the trees.
I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.
I never did that badly with women when I wasn't on telly, but it's a bit out of control now. Women try it on with me more than I'm comfortable with. It's strange, because I think I look like a troll wearing a woman's wig backwards.
Having my daughter I screamed for twenty-three hours straight. And that was just during conception.
Noah’s wife, who said to him after 40 days and 40 nights, "It’s your turn to spread the papers on the floor!" Never got a dinner!
I just imagine the inventor of tube socks looking at the heel of his foot and thinking, "Fuck you, pal."
Here’s another way to be remembered, and this one, this is more personal. It’s more for you because nobody is ever going to know that it was you, but you’ll know, and that’s all that matters. Next time you go to a party, a great big party, go into the room where all the coats are: Shit on the coats. Guaranteed, at some point somebody’s gonna walk out of that room and go, "Someone shit on the coats!"
I still take the pill because I don't want any more grandchildren.
I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.
How far would you go for someone you love ? Well, when my grandkids ask me how I pledged my love to their grandma, I'll say, I told her I would die for her, after I found out I didn't have an incurable disease. Then, I ran away while grandma was getting her ass kicked by a pregnant woman that grandpa slept with. You never know when you're making a memory.