Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1041

I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.

Montovani? They play Montovani to insomniacs that don't respond to strong drugs.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behaviour. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing.

I definitely look at my body and I go: 'Yuck.'

How far would you go for someone you love ? Well, when my grandkids ask me how I pledged my love to their grandma, I'll say, I told her I would die for her, after I found out I didn't have an incurable disease. Then, I ran away while grandma was getting her ass kicked by a pregnant woman that grandpa slept with. You never know when you're making a memory.

I'm not the voice of reason; I'm more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.

Sometimes, in order to follow one’s heart, one must do the wrong thing. Now, I’m not absolving anyone of their actions; you have to be responsible for your actions, sick or well, you have to be, you just have to be. All of us are accountable.

For a while you get mad, then you get over it.

After all, game shows are not like working in a coal mine.

You think I'm overdressed? This is just my slip.

Girls that prevent other girls from getting laid - twat swatters.

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.

That's a vicious rumour! A rumour started by a few million people.

The planets. Now footnote, I’m including Pluto in the planets, because I think it’s terrible what they did to Pluto. And it’s still a planet to me. I grew up with Pluto as a planet, it will always be a planet.