Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1041

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

Kindness isn't just a virtue, its a necessity.

It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew?

I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.

Everyone wants answers and wants to know what the timeline is. Unfortunately, it's a complex situation, and we don't have the final answers yet.

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

On a scale of 1 to 10 I give scales of 1 to 10 a 3.

On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.

I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.

Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.

Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.

Lindsay Lohan fell in love while in rehab. Who wouldn’t? You share meals together, gaze into each other’s eyes, talk about your feelings and share one romantic sunset after another - for roughly $50,000 a month. Pretty pricey, considering a month of eHarmony.com is only $21.

If we’re friends with someone and attracted to them, we’re going to want to take it further.