Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1041

You think I'm overdressed? This is just my slip.

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

Kindness isn't just a virtue, its a necessity.

It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there.

Everyone wants answers and wants to know what the timeline is. Unfortunately, it's a complex situation, and we don't have the final answers yet.

As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.

I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!

My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.

This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.

Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

Lots of women are getting involved. They're not satisfied just being passengers anymore.