Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1041
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."
That's just something instinctual within men. We always feel like we've got to protect our stuff. Even if it's not worth protecting, we want to protect it. You ever seen people who have like a piece of crap Pinto with a Club on the steering wheel. Somebody breaks the window, steals the Club, leaves the Pinto in a pile of glass.
Hey, you know who I feel bad for? Arab-Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting.
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?
If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.
If you're in a room with Britney Spears, you just want to say, "What did you shave your head for, love?"
They really cut to the chase in the urologist’s examination room, and I tried to laugh. If this office were a movie, it would have been rated R.
I spend a lot of time idly. I go to sporting events, play my clarinet. I practise. But if you work every day, a certain amount on a steady basis, the work accumulates.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
Why did we get together? Because God wanted us to do it. We were just trying to do what God wants us to do. We didn't feel like we had much of a choice.
My mother calls at five-thirty in the morning. I'm not a dairy farm. I don't like phone calls before six in the morning.
I don’t know if you’ve ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.