Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1043

You can start any Monty Python routine and people finish it for you. Everyone knows it like shorthand.

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.

I'm not a political comedian. That's just not what I do.

We've had to get a live-in nanny, 'cos that dead one wasn't working out.

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew?

I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.

Everyone wants answers and wants to know what the timeline is. Unfortunately, it's a complex situation, and we don't have the final answers yet.

Why don’t network TV shows have a warning that says "Caution: you are about to watch a real piece of shit."

Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.

Desperation is my sweet spot.

If you can't trust, you can't be trustworthy.

That which does not kill you isn't finished.

Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian.

You don't have anything; you don't own anything.