Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1043

Mosquito bites Jesus, receives "communion".

I view my own body as a petting zoo. I am the main attraction... And the only customer.

The way I look at it, if the kids are still alive when my husband comes home from work, then I’ve done my job.

It’s so weird that I would say something wrong.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

I love being famous. It validates that I have something to say.

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans...

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I want to be the greatest actor that ever lived, frankly. I'd love that. But I don't need to be. I just want to be here. That's it.

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

When God closes a door he opens a window. Sounds to me like someone's on the toilet...

I have some bad news. Bjork cannot be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her.

I love playing ego and insecurity combined.

There is nothing interesting about just seeing me doing the show then seeing the fans and how much people love me.