Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1043
They say, "you only hurt the one" you love, so thankfully I'm off the hook.
You wake up and you're still a little drunk and you can't believe that hot girl from last night actually has a beard and a penis.
Even people who don’t believe in science still have to believe in gravity.
I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.
We broke up, and my first reaction was 'Fine - I've been through this too many times. I can't change your mind. I can't live your life for you. You're gone in your direction. I'm going to pick up; I'm going to go in my direction. I'm not going to live in the past. I'm not going to embrace the pain. You go, I'll go, and that will be it.' And I felt that way for an hour and 10 minutes.
It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.
If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot.
A good newspaper is never nearly good enough but a lousy newspaper is a joy forever.
Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.