Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1043
My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.
You can start any Monty Python routine and people finish it for you. Everyone knows it like shorthand.
When I was seven, I watched "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" with my mom. When Jack Nicholson was strapped to the table getting electroshock treatment, my mom burst into tears. She said it reminded her of her life, and I was stunned, because I didn't know my mom had been nominated for an Oscar.
I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."
We've had to get a live-in nanny, 'cos that dead one wasn't working out.
They say, "you only hurt the one" you love, so thankfully I'm off the hook.
Even people who don’t believe in science still have to believe in gravity.
There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".
It's the inevitable consummation of this largely manufactured battle between a man who makes people laugh for a living and whatever people think I do. In a televised, two-part hatefuck that is, by all measure, bound to dissapoint anyone that's been following it. Catch the fever!
Americans stick their nose where it doesn't belong more than Cyrano de Bergerac giving head.