Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1043

I’m making a porno film today. Well, kinda. There’s no sex or people in it. It’s mainly time lapse video of landscapes eroding over time.

Little girls love dolls. They just don't love doll clothes. We've got four thousand dolls and ain't one of them got a stitch of clothes on.

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.

Yeah, let me give it a shot! The other, a few weeks ago my car broke down on the road. I had it pulled over to the side, and there’s just smoke pouring out of the motor. A guy stops to see if I’m all right, but he asks the stupid question. He said, “Car break down?” I said, “Nah, car wanted a cigarette, so I pulled over!” Here’s your sign!

He doesn't understand the subtleties of slights and pains, that it is not the big events that hurt the most but rather the smallest questionable shift in tone at the end of a spoken word that can plow most deeply into the heart.

I don’t think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh.

When I first hit the scene, it was just a lot of go, go, go, go, go. I have a lot of natural energy anyway, but it was over the top.

I think you're retarded, and not in the cute way.

Don't worry, as long as America still has natural resources, you guys are okay.

If your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat, you might be a redneck.

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.

The best tip for insomnia for me is not trying to sleep.

They come over and they go, 'Why don't you come over on Friday night? We're gonna have a bunch of people over. We're gonna have game night. It's gonna be nutty.' Unless we're playing 'Who's Hiding the Ecstasy?' I'm not gonna make it, OK? 'Cause that's my favorite game.

Nothing says romance like hobos, martyrs and decapitations.

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."