Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1070
I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.
[after catching his daughter dating a teenage boy]<br /> From now on, we're home schooling you. Whatever we don't know, you don't know. When did the Korean War start? I don't know, and neither do you!
There’s a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.
My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.
A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.
We can all help other people more than we do…. You’re sitting home. You’re on the couch. It’s one in the morning. And you hear, “For $9 a week you can help this starving child.” Everybody got the nine bucks. How do you not give it to them? You got to rationalize it somehow. You gotta go, “Yeaaah, that kid doesn’t look too hungry to me. Shit, he’s got a bigger belly than I do.”
Going to war over religion is basically killing each other to see who’s got the better imaginary friend.
Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.
Ya know what I do almost every day? I wash. Personal hygiene is part of the package with me.
Hey, you know who I feel bad for? Arab-Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting.
That’s America for you - a red herring culture, always scared of the wrong things. The fact is, there are a lot of creepy middle-aged men out there lusting for your kids. They work for MTV, the pharmaceutical industry, McDonald’s, Marlboro and K Street.