Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1070
Being a parent is about your survival. Surviving the terrible two's is the most important thing.
You might be a redneck if you wish your outhouse was as nice as those at the state park.
My kids are really easy. I often worry that they're too easy to deal with. They're really nice people.
The nature of comedy is "just do it". But I think what's interesting about it is this joke has been around and why. And it's just saying what's wrong and how wrong can you be if you say it.
They say the measure of a man is judged by the company he keeps. I'm fucked.
So, I pleaded guilty on advice of the lawyer, which is the last time I ever listen to a prosecuting attorney.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.
I can't sing. Never been able to sing. I can't do voices very well. Every impression I do sounds the same. I can't dunk. Man, would I give anything to dunk. Just once.
Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.
Humans are born, small, weak and helpless. That's why we have family. And the elders of the family are the honoured guardians of our country's history. Unfortunately, in America, we, you know, lock those elders away out of view in nursing homes and go about our little lives. It's a great national shame and an irredeemable tragedy. Oh well.