Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1070
When I read things like the foundations of capitalism are shattering, I'm like, maybe we need that. Maybe we need some time where we're walking around with a donkey with pots clanging on the sides.
The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in.
I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.
During her pregnancy my mother referred to me as a "wreck-in-progress."
I before e except after c and sounding like a in a neighboring way and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May YOU'LL ALWAYS BE WRONG NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!!!!
A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.
I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.
I don't care what anybody says, I think that George Bush is absolutely the right president to oversea the end of the world.
President Bush announced his new economic plan. The centerpiece was a proposed repeal of the dividend tax on stocks, a boon that could be worth millions of dollars to average Americans. Well, average stock-owning Americans. Technically, Americans who own a significant amount of shares in dividend-dealing companies. Well, rich people, that's what I'm trying to say. They're going to do really well with this.
[after catching his daughter dating a teenage boy]<br /> From now on, we're home schooling you. Whatever we don't know, you don't know. When did the Korean War start? I don't know, and neither do you!
I come from that earlier time in America when palm pilot was a nickname you recieved upon entering puberty! I was more than a palm pilot I was the palm Chuck Jager. Tom Wolfe wrote a book about me called "The Right Hand Stuff". I was the only guy in my class hip enough to move to the European grip.