Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1070
I wish I could keep a journal. I have a lot of journals with one page half written in. I sometimes will write myself a quick email on my Blackberry when I think of something.
"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.
The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.
President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.
MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.
A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.
I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?
I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.
Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.
The world would be better off with multiple superpowers. When Communist USSR was a superpower, the world was better off.
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.