Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1070
When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.
I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.
If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.
When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?
I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...
Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.
When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.
People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.
Don't smoke pot. Don't bitch. Don't give up. Go on stage anywhere. Try, fail, repeat.