Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1070
Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.
Welcome to Glasgow - the city where we punch people who are on fire.
Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a world that I had at least some control over, and slowly, in time, it began to take shape.
Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I’ve ended up in water.
The only time a politico will try to avoid playing the blame game is when they or theirs are to blame.
Christmases were terrible, not like nowadays when kids get everything. My sister got a miniature set of perfumes called ‘Ample’. It was tiny, but even I could see where my dad had scraped off the S.
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.
[in regards to the subway breakfast sandwich not being available after 11AM] I'll go "Uh, hey man, uh gimme an egg and cheese", and the kid will say, "I'm sorry sir, it's after 11, we put all that stuff, away. You didn't put it away...it's in the second green cabinet, it's right there. This place is as big as a photo-mat, there is no "away" in the building, you don't own "away". There's no Brink's truck that pulls up at 11:02 and yanks out the eggs under armed guard.
Face the fact that there's only one sure-fire way to erase credit card debt. By picking up a big, shiny pair of scissors and cutting your wife in half.
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
I think that women just have a primeval instinct to make soup, which they will try to foist on anybody who looks like a likely candidate.
If we lose our phones, we lose our phone books. You don't memorize numbers anymore.