Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1071

Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.

When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.

You know, I'm not exactly under oath here.

You might be a redneck if... Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

I am really tired of looking at my hips. I’m seriously really tired of standing naked in the mirror and staring at my hips for hours and hours while muttering, "You hips. You hips need to get it together."

My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

They say life begins at 50. Yeah, if you're the fuckin' Highlander.

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.