Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1071

I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.

Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!'

If your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps?

The hard part about SNL is, there's no real communication when you get there. It's not like people are mean to you, they just act like you're not there.

I don't make it in regular channels, and that's okay for me.

I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

The Catholic Church is still very angry about "The Da Vinci Code" - they don't like anything that makes more money in a weekend than they do.

I think; therefore I worry.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.