Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1071
I don’t know if you’ve ever had just five dollars in the bank, but I’ve found that if that’s all you have, you can’t get it out.
When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, "Hold it right there" and then shoot them with water gun.
I spend a lot of time idly. I go to sporting events, play my clarinet. I practise. But if you work every day, a certain amount on a steady basis, the work accumulates.
She was so fat that when I hit her with my car she asked why I didn't go around her and I said that I didn't think I had enough gas.
Most world religions denounced war as a barbaric waste of human life. We treasured the teachings of these religions so dearly that we frequently had to wage war in order to impose them on other people.
Why did we get together? Because God wanted us to do it. We were just trying to do what God wants us to do. We didn't feel like we had much of a choice.
To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it.
Ratings for the XFL are so low that pretty soon they'll be able to address the viewers by name.
I'm like President Ford: I can't do two things at once. I can't have intercourse and enjoy myself at the same time.
I don't know if it's the economy, but finding work as a spiritual guru is really hard. Maybe I should grow my hair out.
There's more to life than sitting around in the sun in your underwear playing the clarinet.
And then earlier than that there were the crusades. The crusades were totally fucked. Richard the Lionheart, who had the heart of a lion as well as his own. He ripped it out of the lion, and the lion was left with a bicycle pump and not much to do.