Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1074

There was a time in my life when I was very interested in relationship psychology. Relationships end, but they don't end your life. But people do often spending more time finding out about failed relationships than finding successful ones.

Thank you, sir. Thank you very much. I assumed you were a guy, you might have female parts. I don't know per-say. And I don't mean to call it a per-say, but it might be... with sack.

We are comfortable, collectively, that those 12 [shootings] are related.

Don't cross Lorenzo Lamas. Ever.

Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.

This is not a dress. This is a sacred robe of the ancient psychedelic monks.

My films are therapy for my debilitating depression. In institutions people weave baskets. I make films.

I got jury duty … and I didn't want to go, so my friend said, "You should write something really really racist on the form when you return it. Like, you should put 'I hate chinks'." And I said, "I'm not going to put that on there just to get out of jury duty. I don't want people to think that about me." So instead I wrote, "I love chinks." And who doesn't?

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.

The only thing that you can get into without a lot of trouble is a lot of trouble.

[Unlikely lines from a superhero movie] Just call the police.

Prom night can be a special night, if you let it be. I know you think it's for losers and something that popular kids do because they are boring people with porcelain hearts who don't know what it means to be lonely. But you're wrong. Prom is a chance for everyone to try oral sex. Go for it.

I like the idea that when a guy comes over to the house, I get to say I wrote the book.

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.