Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1074

All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest.

You might be a redneck if you wish your outhouse was as nice as those at the state park.

My kids are really easy. I often worry that they're too easy to deal with. They're really nice people.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

The nature of comedy is "just do it". But I think what's interesting about it is this joke has been around and why. And it's just saying what's wrong and how wrong can you be if you say it.

I may even show up behind the camera. I love to put things together; I love to give direction. I have a great eye for pace.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom...and a moth ate my sports jacket. He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know.

I lapsed into rude.

I can't sing. Never been able to sing. I can't do voices very well. Every impression I do sounds the same. I can't dunk. Man, would I give anything to dunk. Just once.

I'm a cautious pessimist.

Everything that people say is testable.

I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.

Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.

[about cigarettes] The filter's the best part. That's where they put the heroin.