Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1074

During her pregnancy my mother referred to me as a "wreck-in-progress."

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

To be safe I strive for imperfection.

Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.

When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.

You know, I'm not exactly under oath here.

You might be a redneck if... Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

They say life begins at 50. Yeah, if you're the fuckin' Highlander.

I enjoy life as long as it is not my own.

I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.

There’s a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.