Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1074
My father said, "Bring along your best girl." This is something you say to a pimp!
Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is "Be a better lover". Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That’s why I’m a bad lover? Do you have a pill that’s gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.
Nazi Germany was so destructive to Judaism not only for the loss of life, but because many who survived began to see the practice of Judaism as somewhat of a health hazard.
I was on a phone call with the HSBC and they said when are you gonna pay off this overdraft? I said you know what outside southeast asia its rude to call people up and ask them for money!
You might be a redneck if you burn your front yard rather than mow it.
I started over again with an image: "Nothing goes right." Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, "Show respect. With me, you show respect." So I changed the image to "I don't get no respect." I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: "Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me." The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, "Me, too - I don't get no respect." I figured, let's try it again.
I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"
We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.
You think you have anger issues? I just yelled at a sandwich. Not kidding.
I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.