Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1073

What ever happened to freak shows? Back in the twenties when elephant man was born at least he had a job waiting for him.

I think there is too much wrong with the world to ever get too relaxed and happy. The more natural state, and the better one, I think, is one of some anxiety and tension over man`s plight in this mysterious universe.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

I'll speak for me, though it's hard for me to speak for myself because I don't know who I am.

I was a mostly happy child, though I had a pretty rough puberty. Growing up as a girl is always traumatizing, especially when you have the deadly combination of greasy skin and getting your boobs at ten. But I think it's good to grow up that way. It builds character.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

He's as gay as a candle in the wind.

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.

Also, as I've gotten older and more mature, I've become much more comfortable in my own skin. After 25 years of doing stand-up, that's reflected onstage.

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.

To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country.

Why did we get together? Because God wanted us to do it. We were just trying to do what God wants us to do. We didn't feel like we had much of a choice.