Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1073
You might be a redneck if your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
My kids are really easy. I often worry that they're too easy to deal with. They're really nice people.
Hey I was just wondering. Are you doing push ups with your knees down? Because I’m not sure if this is working out.
The only award I've been nominated for is a Scottish BAFTA. A Scottish BAFTA, it's like hearing that the animals have their own Olympics. You hear all this stuff about TV being faked. Of course it's faked. It's all faked. That documentary a couple of weeks ago about tribal warfare among monkeys, that was all filmed in a Yates wine lodge in Dundee. Comic Relief is faked. Everybody in Africa is fine.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
Did you know that the spunge is the household-tool with the most bacteria? See, single guys know this. "Honey, I would like to wash the dishes, but it's just not hygienic."
Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.
Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.
"Where there is a will there is a way" is an old true saying. He who resolves upon doing a thing, by that very resolution often scales the barriers to it, and secures its achievement. To think we are able, is almost to be so - to determine upon attainment is frequently attainment itself.
I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.