Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1073

I am two lesbians in a man's body.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

They say, "you only hurt the one" you love, so thankfully I'm off the hook.

My father said, "Bring along your best girl." This is something you say to a pimp!

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

I love Steven Wright.

Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.

If we lose our phones, we lose our phone books. You don't memorize numbers anymore.

I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.

To me the goal of comedy is to just laugh, which is a really high hearted thing, visceral connection and reaction.

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Lots of women are getting involved. They're not satisfied just being passengers anymore.