Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1073
You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
Sorry, Americans only buy things that come from suffering. They just enjoy it more when they know someones getting hurt.
Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.
I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.
(While teaching his son to play baseball):<br /> "We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts."
My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.
Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."
When you write from your gut and let the stuff stay flawed and don't let anybody tell you to make it better, it can end up looking like nothing else.
You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.
So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.