Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.

When I go onstage, I don't know what I'm going to say. I don't know what's going to come out of my mouth. It's one of those questions where any and everything is possible. I literally could be talking about somebody I was hanging out with two seconds ago or something from the news. Literally, there's really no rhyme or reason for it. I want to be free flowing like that.

You might be a redneck if you clean your nails with a stick.

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.

Going to war over religion is basically killing each other to see who’s got the better imaginary friend.

I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.

I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 - three times more people came to see where it used to be.

A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby.

Democracy is like a tambourine: not everyone can be trusted with it.

Six months ago, in Saudi Arabia, a suicide bomber managed to get close to a Saudi prince. And he did this by hiding a bomb inside him; he managed to get explosives and a detonator inside his anus. And he detonated that bomb, killing nobody -- apart from himself -- a lot. When I first heard that story, my instinctive reaction was, that is definitely the world's greatest missed opportunity for a pull my finger joke.

My relationship with American audiences is the exact same as it always has been. They never came to see my films, and they don't come now.

You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.

Now drinking and driving… a lot of people say its wrong. And I call those people the cops. Sometimes you have no choice. Hey, those kids have got to get to school.