Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.
Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright? People will find you, and that's when all the bad stuff happens, right? Just sittin around, doin nuthin, right? You know what happened one time? Drunk, nothin to do. I end up doing what? My penis in my fishtank, alright? No, i did it just to show them who's boss, alright? They were gettin a little uppity. Even the diver guy stopped bubblin, he's like 'bleh??' Then, they hid in the castle. And like all good times, it always ends when your grandma walks in, doesn't it? 'Get that dick outta the fishtank!! Time for supper!'
In stand-up it really helps to play yourself and talk about your own feelings. You cannot fail to be original if you're just talking about what you think about X, Y and Z. Unless you've got a twin brother who's also a stand-up.
To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it.
I don't really know much about pirates, or pirate culture. I'd be a contrarian pirate.
You might be a redneck if your back porch is bigger than your house.
A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a labotomy.
They were singing, Gillette, the best a man can get, with a lot of guys hugging their fathers and sailing and riding bikes. I suddenly felt a long way from the best a man could get and I thought it would be nice to get from there to the best.
It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?
I purposefully studied ventriloquism so I can throw my orgasm - which was sort of a sad moment in my life.