Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

[after catching his daughter dating a teenage boy]<br /> From now on, we're home schooling you. Whatever we don't know, you don't know. When did the Korean War start? I don't know, and neither do you!

If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot, you might be a redneck.

I'm nothing if not an optimist.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide."

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

You might be a redneck if your screen door has no screen.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"

The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry You can understand why - with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him.

"Money doesn't buy happiness." Uh, do you live in America? 'Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can't! They're so awesome, it's just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget, you need gas to turn. It goes against your natural instincts. Some of you aren't laughing; we all miss your cousin, but not laughing's not gonna bring him back. He's dead for a reason. He was a show-off, and he tried to spray us. "I didn't wanna get wet!" I yelled at his mother at the funeral.