Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1085

Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.

It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.

Seems the first person to call someone a whore is usually another whore.

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.

Feeling in love and fear feel a lot alike. They both give you that anxious butterfly feeling in your stomach, a sense of excitement, and a general unease physically and mentally. It's easy to confuse love with fear.

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man.

I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".

You might be a redneck if you roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.

I'm not graceful either. I have no rhythm, I'm never on top.

It may not be in the constitution, but every American has a god-given right to provinciality and ignorance.

It’s so weird that I would say something wrong.

The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.

I meet so many young folks who say, “If I got to go and die in a war at 18, I want the right to vote at 18.” Don’t be no damn fool. You got to die at 18, you better fight to get the right to vote at 17.