Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1085
How long is it polite to continue to be interested in what someone says after they reveal they've got a boyfriend?
People are like, Hey, Jeff, lemme tell you... I'm like, Hold on, let me get a pen and a piece of paper.
To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.
Bush didn't really win on his popularity last time. He won on scaring people that Kerry might do something stupid like, I don't know, sell the ports to the Arabs.
The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.
My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
To understand one's self is to understand all of humanity, unless you're like my friend Mike, he's a fuckin' idiot.
Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?
You know what I do? I steal things. Fuck 'em! I grab a handful of candy bars and six magazines and head for the gate.
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.
Sometimes, in order to follow one’s heart, one must do the wrong thing. Now, I’m not absolving anyone of their actions; you have to be responsible for your actions, sick or well, you have to be, you just have to be. All of us are accountable.
He released Annie's Boobs. Annie's Boobs could be anywhere. Annie's Boobs could be on the streets
I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.