Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1085

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.

They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash'.

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, "Hold it right there" and then shoot them with water gun.

It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

A policeman stopped me and said: "Would you please blow into this bag, sir?" I said: "What for, officer?" He said: "My chips are too hot."

Just every moment with Dick Cheney has been my favorite. Here's what I wonder about Dick Cheney, and the reason that maybe they keep him only in loyalty oath audiences, is if he becomes angry, I do believe he turns into the Hulk. And so, they try and keep people from questioning him, because he'll just - the shirt rips, and suddenly he has hair. So he's been my favorite, because he just goes out there to a room full of supporters and says, 'You know we're all going to die, right?' You're going to die unless I'm in charge.'

I could never sit down and write jokes.

Girls say it’s hard to find nice guys. It’s actually really easy. It’s just all nice guys are ugly.

I am the Walrus, but not the one you’re probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to lie around in places for too long.

I believe people ought to mate for life... like pigeons or Catholics.

When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. I believed everything and everyone. Then, I met my parents!

And to those people with no children but who think they'd like to have them some day to fulfill their lives. Remember: With fulfillment comes responsibility.