Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1085
Isn't this amazing? Clinton is getting $8M for his memoir, Hillary got $8M for her memoir. That is $16M for two people who for eight years couldn't remember anything.
When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.
Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.
The country has become much more conservative, partly because it's been taken over by the religious right.
I don’t know if you’ve ever had just five dollars in the bank, but I’ve found that if that’s all you have, you can’t get it out.
How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.
When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, "Hold it right there" and then shoot them with water gun.
You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.
I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.
I’m the munter of my friends. I’ve got wonky teeth and a lazy eye. My friend Rob is disgusted I’m a heart-throb.
There was a time when people said, "Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that." Now they just say, "Pay him!"
To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.