Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1085

I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.

Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, "Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!"

People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.

As long as they're homophobic behind closed doors, and don't hurt anyone, I'm fine with it.

Life is full of horrible mistakes.

I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?

The Security and Exchanges Commission is going to be investigating Vice President Dick Cheney. They'll begin that investigation as soon as Congress finishes investigating the Security and Exchanges Commission.

Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.

Yeah, let me give it a shot! The other, a few weeks ago my car broke down on the road. I had it pulled over to the side, and there’s just smoke pouring out of the motor. A guy stops to see if I’m all right, but he asks the stupid question. He said, “Car break down?” I said, “Nah, car wanted a cigarette, so I pulled over!” Here’s your sign!

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.

I think the reason Jesus is so popular, just on a celebrity level, is that he died at the peak of his career.

If you feel ill at ease in your own skin get it taliored.

You might be a redneck if you've ever shot a deer from inside your house.

I was raised in an atmosphere of 'everything's fine.' But as I got older, I was like, 'Well no, everything's not fine. There is stuff that's sad.' I am a really sensitive person. I think I am too sensitive sometimes.