Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1086
Pears can just fuck off too. 'Cause they're gorgeous little beasts, but they're ripe for half an hour, and you're never there. They're like a rock or they're mush. In the supermarket, people banging in nails. "I'll just put these shelves up, mate, then you can have the pear." … So you think, "I'll take them home and they'll ripen up." But you put them in the bowl at home, and they sit there, going, "No! No! Don't ripen yet, don't ripen yet. Wait til he goes out the room! Ripen! Now now now!”
Gluten free pizza elicits the same response at a hollywood party that a pile of cocaine did in the 80’s
I don't know if it's the economy, but finding work as a spiritual guru is really hard. Maybe I should grow my hair out.
And then earlier than that there were the crusades. The crusades were totally fucked. Richard the Lionheart, who had the heart of a lion as well as his own. He ripped it out of the lion, and the lion was left with a bicycle pump and not much to do.
It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.
I thinking gay and straight people use the same putters, it's not a matter of putters but a matter of hole selection.
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.
I just always found it easier to be the same guy onstage as you are offstage.
The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.
When I told Fang I was going to have my face lifted, he said, 'Who'd steal it?'
We are comfortable, collectively, that those 12 [shootings] are related.