Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1086
In Russia, if a male athelete loses he becomes a female athelete.
I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.
You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.
[Imitating a Frenchman] Fuck you Americans! Uncultured, crass Americans! We hate all of you! Fu- the Germans are here! Hello Americans! We love you!
So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.
I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.
Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.
I tell ya, my family were always big drinkers. When I was a kid, I was missing. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because for the longest time, I have said that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass... and, by god, last week they went in and looked for it. They didn't find it, so now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "successful" in the same sentence.
I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.
Yeah, I'll take lettuce... tomato... and- I'm sorry, did you just put your balls in my sandwich?
You might be a redneck if someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."