Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1086

I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?

You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.

Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single and lonely then it's called Laundry Day.

We women have to stick together.

I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.

Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can’t the rest of us make them go away?!

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

I tried water polo and my horse drowned... that was a nightmare.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

I always thought I was going to die before I was 60.