Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1086

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

I always thought I was going to die before I was 60.

And to those people with no children but who think they'd like to have them some day to fulfill their lives. Remember: With fulfillment comes responsibility.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man.

You know you're drunk when you think that the cab fare is the time.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

Vampires probably don't have great breath.