Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1102

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a world that I had at least some control over, and slowly, in time, it began to take shape.

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

There's no such thing as a cheap laugh.

Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?

God makes trees, he doesn't write books.

You might be a redneck if you've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price.

I found the prospect daunting, but somehow comforting, too, because the counselors insisted it could be done, and, after all, many of them were recovering alcoholics themselves.

Anything that I don’t understand or can’t do is stupid.

Words have power, you dumb piece of shit.

You know it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks 'Daddy, are these organic?'

I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping as we all should. I dunno. You don't live that long. It doesn't matter.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.