Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1102

I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.

Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies … a man lie is, "I was at Kevin's house!" A woman lie is like, "It's your baby!"

[To a whore]<br /> Blackadder: Look, if I'd wanted a lecture on the rights of man, I'd have gone to bed with Martin Luther.

I don't want to be a pessimist. I'm a realist. One man's realist is another man's pessimist.

Talking with Gary Busey is kinda like sex. You want to do it, you just don't want to be alone when you do it.

You never hear a woman say, 'Hey, lets go to balls.'

You've done something alright with your life when the only rule on your job is don't shake your cock at the customer.

He's as gay as a candle in the wind.

Surfing is both an ideological and semantic sin against nature.

I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.

Why would these English explorers search for these spices, yet never use them in their food?

We had our own Olympics and forget the color war. We had the colon wars, which was sort of sad. The rabbi was the head of the sports department, and he said, 'Let the injuries begin!'

Gluten free pizza elicits the same response at a hollywood party that a pile of cocaine did in the 80’s

Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?