Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1102
My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.
Suicide is the number one killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.
You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
I found the prospect daunting, but somehow comforting, too, because the counselors insisted it could be done, and, after all, many of them were recovering alcoholics themselves.
You might be a redneck if your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.
Across the nation, thousands of people are lining up in hospital waiting rooms, out the doors, down the steps, around the corners, and behind the hedges, waiting for their inoculations. Here's another idea for avoiding the flu: don't stand outside in the cold for hours around lots of other people.
If you absolutely believe that what you do is right, you're bullet-proof.
The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.