Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1101
I’m totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can’t give out a number without laughing. It’s a problem when I’m giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: ‘He must have just stolen it.’
I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.
I have a feeling I'm going to wake up one day and say "I can't do dirty stuff anymore, I want to go all clean". I'll do clean stuff too, I like to entertain people. Then they egged me on; we shot it at The Laugh Factory.
For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
People ask me why I'm so hard on men. It's because they've gotten a really easy ride. And it's not that I think women should take over the world. But I do think it should be 50/50.
My wife had a go at me last night. She said, "You'll drive me to my grave." I had the car out in thirty seconds.
Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch.
A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.
That's the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person's blog story that they wrote when they were upset.
I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word "evil"? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says "evildoers". Chug the bottle for "axis of evil". Are you a president or an exorcist?!
Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.