Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1101

Sometimes being lazy can get you in trouble. You ever not take a shower all weekend, just lounge around, then you're running late for work on Monday? There's always one person at work: "Something smells like smoke in here!" "Uh, I went to a barbeque on Friday night. Only had 48 hours to take a shower. Busy."

Everything that people say is testable.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.

If the Fed ceases hiking, against the backdrop of still rising commodity prices, then the Australian dollar will have few reasons for resisting any topside advances.

In the second grade, I would just get bored and a joke would pop into my head and I would have to say it. It was almost like I had some brilliant novel in my head that I had to get down, and I would interrupt class all the time and get in trouble.

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

I've met a lot of people who've lost their jobs and they still have a sense of humor.

I've got mixed feelings about poetry cause done well poetry is fantastic. But not many people are capable of doing it well. I think you should have some kind of license to perform poetry. A poetic license perhaps.

"Oh look, she smiled at me!" It's because you shit your pants.

Wasting time in a relationship that blows is just that - wasted time.

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?

Some entertainers don't pay attention to what's going on around them.