Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1101

Is it bad when you refer to all alcohol as pain-go-bye-bye juice?

My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.

The first time I tried organic wheat bread, I thought I was chewing on roofing material.

I don’t own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist.

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, "You'll drive me to my grave." I had the car out in thirty seconds.

But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move."

Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver while I was having a cocktail.

Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.

What men say: "I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong." What men think: "I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one."

Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

What do atheists scream when they come?"