Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1101

I always tell my kids to cut a sandwich in half right when you get it, and the first thought you should have is somebody else. You only ever need half a burger.

I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping as we all should. I dunno. You don't live that long. It doesn't matter.

I refuse to this day to do e-mail because everybody I know that does it, it takes another two or three hours a day. I don't want to give two or three more hours away.

I thought for like five years that when you have sex, you come and one of your balls comes out. That's what I thought happened, that you have to come a ball out of that little whole at the tip of your dick. I was terrified! That's what I thought, you just... Bahh! And you push a ball out and she's screaming and there's blood everywhere...and you can only do it twice and then you're out of balls. That's what I thought. You come and have two babies, and then you just walk around with an empty sack for the rest of your life. Which turned out to be true...

Right at the end of the big wall of vibrators, $29.95, big rubber fist. Thirty bucks! Just in time for mothers day.

Well, evolution's just a theory.' And, I'm thinking to myself, 'Well, thank goodness gravity's a law.'

"The times they are a changin" mostly for those who need it least.

If you've ever seen a vagina close up... it looks like an alien's gonna hop out and attach itself to your face and lay eggs in your mouth.

I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don’t know why.

It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.

This is a great day for people who do what I do, this is a great day for talk-show hosts. Remember when Dick Cheney shot his lawyer in the face? It's like one of those days. It's like when Mel Gibson went crazy and blamed the Jewish people for everything, it's one of those days, it's fantastic.

Until I was thirteen I thought my name was Shutup.

I have been accused of sleeping with people, I hadn’t met yet.

The 3-D effects in "Star Wars" are so realistic, you can actually see George Lucas reaching from the screen and taking the money from your wallet.

I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.