Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1103
Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?
To understand one's self is to understand all of humanity, unless you're like my friend Mike, he's a fuckin' idiot.
People get burned out in big families, you can even see it in the naming of children. Like the first kid, "You were named after Grandma." The seventh kid, "You were named after a sandwich I had. Now get your brother, Reuben."
The prospect of an interest-rate-hike lifeline for the currency has become even more remote. The coming week will be the most important for the currency of any in the next three months.
You might be a redneck if you have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
The dentist drills some more and you hear him make a mistake. And to cover it up, they all say the same thing: "Okay, rinse."
Life is a little easier for attractive people, can we admit that? Think about it, if a stranger smiles at you and they're attractive, you think, "Oh, they're nice," but if the stranger's ugly, you're like, "What do they want? Get away from me weirdo."
You might be a redneck if you think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.
If you're gonna have a pro-drug argument, start the argument where it starts: I have the right to do what ever the hell I want to my own body, if it kills me slowly, happy for me, fuck you, "clack clack" (miming a pump-action shotgun) stop me!
I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.
My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.