Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1103

I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails.

You might be a redneck if you refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."

Cooking? Oh we were great, you'd take anything and melt cheese on it, and the one who could guess what it was didn't have to wash up!

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.

Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.

If you like easygoing, monogamous men, stay away from billionaires.

I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at prisons and wait for parolees.

I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, "whew!"

You know who sang at Rush Limbaugh's wedding? Elton John! According to Rush, gay people can sing at weddings. Just not their own.

If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.

The Kinsey Institute says gay men have bigger sex organs. Hence the origin of gay pride.

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

Did you know Bill and Hillary Clinton were born under the same sign? Know what sign? 'For Sale.'

I'm against hunting. I'm actually a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

[To a whore]<br /> Blackadder: Look, if I'd wanted a lecture on the rights of man, I'd have gone to bed with Martin Luther.