Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1103

Bush's memoir is 512 pages. To be fair, 200 of those pages are just games and puzzles.

My mother calls at five-thirty in the morning. I'm not a dairy farm. I don't like phone calls before six in the morning.

She was so ugly that she has a face like a boiled boot and a tongue long enough to lace it up.

Fang can’t stand to see trash and garbage lying around the house. He can’t stand the competition.

My plan this year is to achieve spiritual enlightenment through ceaseless competition with everything.

Remember the band, Flock of Seagulls? They had their van stolen. I was like, "They still have a van?"

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

I don't have a room full of writers pitching ideas. It's just me out of my head.

But let me ask you this though, first and foremost: who's your favorite Spice Girl? Mine is Sporty Spice and I'll tell you why. You know what? She might not be as aesthetically pleasant as the rest but she'll do a backflip and steal your heart.

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

I lapsed into rude.

Guess what, Martin Luther King? I had a (expletive) dream, too.

I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't.

Everything that people say is testable.

We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.