Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1104

You might be a redneck if there is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

Few things interest me more than the things people don't say.

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

There's no such thing as a cheap laugh.

Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?

If I had signed my fourth season of SNL, I wouldn’t have ever had the opportunity to do Curb Your Enthusiasm. If my buddy OG Pearson wouldn’t have passed away, I wouldn’t have been in L.A. for his memorial, and I would’ve never auditioned for Curb.

You might be a redneck if you've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price.

I found the prospect daunting, but somehow comforting, too, because the counselors insisted it could be done, and, after all, many of them were recovering alcoholics themselves.

Anything that I don’t understand or can’t do is stupid.

Words have power, you dumb piece of shit.

I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping as we all should. I dunno. You don't live that long. It doesn't matter.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails.

Cooking? Oh we were great, you'd take anything and melt cheese on it, and the one who could guess what it was didn't have to wash up!