Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1104
Unfortunately this is where comedy works, where people are the most miserable.
You might be a redneck if you've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
Cooking? Oh we were great, you'd take anything and melt cheese on it, and the one who could guess what it was didn't have to wash up!
A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.
The Catholic Church has a tough new policy on child molestors: three strikes and you're a cardinal.
I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, "whew!"
You know who sang at Rush Limbaugh's wedding? Elton John! According to Rush, gay people can sing at weddings. Just not their own.
Some people wonder if it isn’t unusual for an accountant to become a comedian. It’s unusual for a good account to become a comedian. I was a very poor accountant.
It's good that people don't like you. That's good. It means that you are doing something interesting.
I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.
He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.
I'd like to have some kids. I wanna have like nineteen kids. I think naming then, that's going to be fun. What ever the names you come up with that's exciting right there. You get to both decide. It's like a little game. I already have names picked out, first kid boy or girl I don't even know, the first one that comes out I'm naming him Hrrrrrrrr. I think it's beautiful, it's feminine but it's strong at the same time. Time for bed Hrrrrrrrr... I said time for bed HRRRRRRRR! No cookies HRRRRRRRR! Typical Hrrrrrrrr! Daddies on the phone Hrrrrrrrr. Daddies on the phone. I'm gonna name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoon, I'm gonna name a bunch of them after Transformers. That'd be great. You'd be like Optimus Prime come here for a second. You sit next to Megatron we're gonna have a chat right here. I am the Cobra commander ...HRRRRRRRR, I said no cookies! This fucking HRRRRRRRR is driving me up the fucking wall! HRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!