Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1105
I'm sick to fucking death of skinheads queue jumping at Disneyland!
I was on a phone call with the HSBC and they said when are you gonna pay off this overdraft? I said you know what outside southeast asia its rude to call people up and ask them for money!
My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
Vegas is everything that's right with America. You can do whatever you want, 24 hours a day. They've effectively legalized everything there.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you look up and realize that you're one of those people you see on the train talking to themselves?
The kind of people that say “political correctness gone mad” are usually using that phrase as a kind of cover action to attack minorities or people that they disagree with. [...] And I’m sick, I’m really sick– 84% of you in this room that have agreed with this phrase, you’re like those people who turn around and go, “you know who the most oppressed minorities in Britain are? White, middle-class men.” You’re a bunch of idiots.
I thought the purpose of education was to learn to think for yourself.
Right at the end of the big wall of vibrators, $29.95, big rubber fist. Thirty bucks! Just in time for mothers day.
It turns out that speeding irresponsibly in a large truck, placing personal wealth ahead of the welfare of others, is one of the greatest sins in the Universe...
I immediately went out and bought a book on anger management. And now I have that book, and I don't know if I'll get to the book. But I'm certainly excited about the day where I can't find the book, and I get to say, 'Where the hell is my anger management book?!'
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.
If you've ever seen a vagina close up... it looks like an alien's gonna hop out and attach itself to your face and lay eggs in your mouth.
I've heard on the news that they are thinking of putting microchips inside babies so that if they ever get kidnapped that you can track them on Google. But what if technology fails? Well here is my solution: next to the microchip, put a fucking detonator. Listen, if I can't have my baby, nobody can!
Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.