Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1105

I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping as we all should. I dunno. You don't live that long. It doesn't matter.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails.

Cooking? Oh we were great, you'd take anything and melt cheese on it, and the one who could guess what it was didn't have to wash up!

Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.

I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at prisons and wait for parolees.

I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?

The Catholic Church has a tough new policy on child molestors: three strikes and you're a cardinal.

I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don’t know why.

I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, "whew!"

If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.

Did you know Bill and Hillary Clinton were born under the same sign? Know what sign? 'For Sale.'

I'm against hunting. I'm actually a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

[To a whore]<br /> Blackadder: Look, if I'd wanted a lecture on the rights of man, I'd have gone to bed with Martin Luther.

It's good that people don't like you. That's good. It means that you are doing something interesting.