Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1105
I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.
I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.
He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.
I'd like to have some kids. I wanna have like nineteen kids. I think naming then, that's going to be fun. What ever the names you come up with that's exciting right there. You get to both decide. It's like a little game. I already have names picked out, first kid boy or girl I don't even know, the first one that comes out I'm naming him Hrrrrrrrr. I think it's beautiful, it's feminine but it's strong at the same time. Time for bed Hrrrrrrrr... I said time for bed HRRRRRRRR! No cookies HRRRRRRRR! Typical Hrrrrrrrr! Daddies on the phone Hrrrrrrrr. Daddies on the phone. I'm gonna name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoon, I'm gonna name a bunch of them after Transformers. That'd be great. You'd be like Optimus Prime come here for a second. You sit next to Megatron we're gonna have a chat right here. I am the Cobra commander ...HRRRRRRRR, I said no cookies! This fucking HRRRRRRRR is driving me up the fucking wall! HRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
I'd never consciously left home to see a zombie movie. They were fine by me, but I had no intention of ever being in one. But I've been learning more about it as I've been doing interviews. I didn't even know there were specialist zombie magazines and clubs. I heard the other day that a radio station had asked people if they`d made preparations for an attack by zombies, and a staggering number of people replied yes!
I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.
How long is it polite to continue to be interested in what someone says after they reveal they've got a boyfriend?
I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.
The country has become much more conservative, partly because it's been taken over by the religious right.
How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.
I'm a hard guy to live with. I'm like a caged animal. I'm up all night walking around the living room. It's hard for me to come down from what I do.
The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, “children are our most prescious natural resource”. I thought, “let’s hope it never comes to that”.
In stand-up it really helps to play yourself and talk about your own feelings. You cannot fail to be original if you're just talking about what you think about X, Y and Z. Unless you've got a twin brother who's also a stand-up.