Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1111
The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.
A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the Bahamas in July. What happened to the good old days when a guy would just saw you in half?
You might be a redneck if you've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
They're so broke that they've actually cut essential services. In many places, they've cut policemen, because, who the fuck needs them? Or firemen, son of a bitch, it's much more fun watching something burn down.
I've seen women who don't have great relationships with their dads, and it all comes down to this: You have to tell girls you love them every day.
Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.
I'm no quitter, unless it comes to human relationships or math and science.
Oh, I'm not allowed to do anything. Well fuck off then. If your not going to do anything then what's the use, just piss off. Stop asking us to mumble things on Sundays.
Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else's expense. And I find that that's just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh without hurting somebody else's feelings.
Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.
My haircutter figured out I whine less if I'm under general anesthesia. I just hope when I awaken they haven't given me a Brazilian wax.
Is it bad when you refer to all alcohol as pain-go-bye-bye juice?
Can anyone lead us? Someone with integrity, truth, fire? Someone to create peace and unite us? God, I just described Bono and SpongeBob. We're fucked.
People always tell me I need to have a kid, and I say, "No, I don't." Because I wouldn't have just one kid; I'd have six. I need a huge family. So I just kind of fill my house with tons of rejects and misfits so it feels like I have a bunch of children.