Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1111
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."
Amy Poehler and I have been friends for so long, we’re like Oprah and Gale. Only we’re not denying anything.
A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.
I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.
There's more to life than sitting around in the sun in your underwear playing the clarinet.
We're dealing with fundamentalists... the Amish are fundamentalists, but they don't try and hijack a carriage at needlepoint. And, if you're ever in Amish country and you see a man with his hand buried in a horse's ass, that's a mechanic. Remember that.
I believe, even when I'm doing my standup or my acting or whatever I'm doing, I believe in painting pictures.
Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. It's the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for a visitor.
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Next time I spank a girl during sex, I'll say, "this is going to hurt me more than it will you".