Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1112

Anyone who is elected mayor of a place called "Sin City" is allowed to be a drunk.

In stand-up it really helps to play yourself and talk about your own feelings. You cannot fail to be original if you're just talking about what you think about X, Y and Z. Unless you've got a twin brother who's also a stand-up.

Welcome to my world! I've been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy, act, lecture, write books, travel, have a fabulous daughter, and a phenomenal grandson-and I feel I'm the luckiest woman on the planet.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

My plan this year is to achieve spiritual enlightenment through ceaseless competition with everything.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered.

I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.

You might be a redneck if your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

You might be a redneck if your best ashtray is a turtle shell.

Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.

There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.

It's the time of year when Canadians mate.

You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.