Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1112

BP has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic?"

My mother sadly claimed, that my birth was just a coincidence.

The only thing that you can get into without a lot of trouble is a lot of trouble.

While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.

If you're gonna have a pro-drug argument, start the argument where it starts: I have the right to do what ever the hell I want to my own body, if it kills me slowly, happy for me, fuck you, "clack clack" (miming a pump-action shotgun) stop me!

When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?

The careers teacher told me I had a clear choice: if I didn't end up going to university I'd end up robbing post offices.

Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

I’m a deep thinker when it comes to shallow no brainers.

His view of the world is one that keeps his blood pressure low, sweeping the cholesterol from his relaxed, freeway-sized arteries. Everyone knows he is going to live till age ninety, although the question that goes begging is, "for what?"