Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1110

The 3-D effects in "Star Wars" are so realistic, you can actually see George Lucas reaching from the screen and taking the money from your wallet.

I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.

I'm Bill Hicks, and I'm dead now, 'cause I smoked cigarrettes... cigarrettes didn't kill me, a bucnh of non-smokers kicked the living shit out of me one night.

Some people wonder if it isn’t unusual for an accountant to become a comedian. It’s unusual for a good account to become a comedian. I was a very poor accountant.

Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.

I just want to be myself.

If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, "May have lice."

You never hear a woman say, 'Hey, lets go to balls.'

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called "the sound hole". The one of the face of its player is called "the sincerity hole."

How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."