Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1110

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

If the Fed ceases hiking, against the backdrop of still rising commodity prices, then the Australian dollar will have few reasons for resisting any topside advances.

Leave me alone. Mine [laptop] has been on for years. The poor thing is going there "I'm boiling! Please, turn me off! Even oven gets a break! Come on!"

Wasting time in a relationship that blows is just that - wasted time.

When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?

Few things interest me more than the things people don't say.

Just woke up after a nightmare only to reaiize it is far safer asleep than me making breakfast and always paranoid about poisoning myself.

Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck.

I know the fashion is that everything is fair game for comedy material but I don't believe that.

When you need to borrow money the Mob seems like a better deal I think. 'You don't pay me back I break both yer legs.' Is that all? You won't take my house or wreck my credit rating? Fine where do I sign. Legs? Fine. You don't even have to sign anything.

Don't you miss the days when America was just morally bankrupt?

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.

A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the Bahamas in July. What happened to the good old days when a guy would just saw you in half?