Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1116

If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck.

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look... twins!

I went one time. It wasn't voluntary; it was pretty much court ordered. But I thought I could give back to the AA community, you know, see all those single hottie men there. I could be like a sponsor. Have them call me at two in the morning, and be like, 'I want to have a drink.' I'll be like, 'I have one! Come over!'

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

You might be a redneck if you have to go down to the creek to take a bath.

You might be a redneck if you've never paid for a haircut.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.

You say you hate children and people always say the same thing; "it would be different if it was your own child." Well what if it wasn't?

It cannot be easy being a Muslim in America at the moment.... For instance, there are some people in America that cannot tell the difference between Muslims -- of which there are hundreds of millions -- and terrorists. Now, just think for a second about quite how offensive that is. That's like if the Muslim world could not differentiate between American people and professional baseball players.

It may not be in the constitution, but every American has a god-given right to provinciality and ignorance.

I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.

Is there a separation between body and mind, and if so which is it better to have?

The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.