Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1116
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria.
There's this whole post-modern, nuevo beatnik, retro-bohemian thing going on, you know what I mean? You walk into some coffee shops, and it feels like you're an ex-patriot in Paris in the 20s. You're like, 'Hey, isn't that a young Ernest Hemingway over there? Yeah, I think it is! Hey, let's go have a look and see what he's writing... It's a Gap application.'
I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When she is in a good mood it turns blue, but when she is in a bad mood there is a red mark across my forehead.
I don’t feel those limits when I’m on stage. For some reason, audiences let me get away with things. Remember, it’s all comedy. Words. Thoughts. All thoughts are safe and worth exploring.
Well thank you, I can hardly say I'm an 'eloquent' writer, it's like a third grade reading level.
I do occasionally envy the person who is religious naturally, without being brainwashed into it or suckered into it by all the organized hustles.
Sarah Palin HAS to be Latina: she has a job and her husband don't work. She's gonna be a grandma, and has an infant-she's Latina.
I'm Bill Hicks, and I'm dead now, 'cause I smoked cigarrettes... cigarrettes didn't kill me, a bucnh of non-smokers kicked the living shit out of me one night.
Man versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus pillow equals crazy awesome - that's a real pillow fight right there. You see two pillows fighting, you know something's going down. They're designed for relaxation. If they're fighting, what hope do we have? One time I saw two geese fighting, and I was like, 'This is a pillow fight ahead of time.'