Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1116

They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.

Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.

You might be a redneck if there are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.

I come from a very large family - nine parents.

I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom...and a moth ate my sports jacket. He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know.

Guess what, Martin Luther King? I had a (expletive) dream, too.

I'm a cautious pessimist.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.

We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.

My mum was crazy. And her mum was crazy. And her mum's mum was crazy. Is it my turn? Am I going to live the rest of my life giggling at raindrops, wearing paper slippers? When I go to dinner with friends should I not use a fork 'cause I just might snap? Hey, you guys look great. How's the baby?

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

I love it when mothers get so mad they can't remember your name. "Come here, Roy, er, Rupert, er, Rutabaga... what is your name, boy? And don't lie to me, because you live here, and I'll find out who you are.'

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

Wasting time in a relationship that blows is just that - wasted time.