Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1116

Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!

I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into.

Historic in a good sense, not historic in a sense of 'so we dropped bombs on everyone.'

There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.

Valentines day are coming up and a German company has made chokolate in shapes of couples making love. I don't like them... I don't want my chokolate to have more fun than me.

It's the time of year when Canadians mate.

Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.

Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.

I love telling stories and acting and entertaining people. I don't want to make fun of people.

If you hug someone goodbye and their response is "what the hell are you doing?" - you may want to examine you're definition of close friend.

That's the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person's blog story that they wrote when they were upset.

I love it when mothers get so mad they can't remember your name. "Come here, Roy, er, Rupert, er, Rutabaga... what is your name, boy? And don't lie to me, because you live here, and I'll find out who you are.'

You might be a redneck if you've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.

You might be a redneck if you think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.

She told me when we have sex, that's the only time I make her laugh.