Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1125

On the song 'Funk Soul Brother': "If you covered a broom handle with oil and shoved it up my arse, then put me on a trampoline, in a lift, I could write a better song on the walls."

If you absolutely believe that what you do is right, you're bullet-proof.

So glad I'm not the only guy who thinks about killing everyone wearing a hoodie.

You might be a redneck if you've ever bought a used cap.

I would think black people think everything is about race. They are the ones who are on the outside of the game. They are the ones who face it every day.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

I was ugly, very ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

I woke up with a bloody nose this morning. I said, 'yeech, who threw that in there?'

The country can't get well if the people are sick. And the people are sick.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

There’s a huge amount of work that goes into placating a network in regular television. It’s literally 70% or 80% of your workload, is showing them the material, getting their notes and presenting it to them and making sure they weigh in. It’s a huge amount of work.

When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!

They could have gotten help for this infertility but they believed that interfering with the reproductive process, even if it was faulty, was anti-God. It was against His plan. It never occurred to them that God may have provided the world with a vast array of very brainy medical types for the very reason of solving problems such as theirs. However, there is one thing that the medical profession cannot do and that is save people from being idiots.

My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.