Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1125
I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.
Jesus said the meek would inherit the earth, but so far all we've gotten is Minnesota and North Dakota.
Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.
You might be a redneck if you've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.
Life gave you lemons and you turned it into golden showers. God bless you for that.
(While teaching his son to play baseball):<br /> "We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts."
No one has ever said to me ‘go home and make a baby.’ I have been told several times to go to Planned Parenthood and make the baby go away. Happy Hannukah.
The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because for the longest time, I have said that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass... and, by god, last week they went in and looked for it. They didn't find it, so now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "successful" in the same sentence.
He's the badass of the group - like if they get into some kind of Scooby-Doo scrape, he's the one that's gonna get them out.
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint... a Saint Bernard!