Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1125
Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.
It's a wonderful thing to be able to create your own world whenever you want to.
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just seem longer?
When you create you get a little endorphin rush. Why do you think Einstein looked like that?
Your children can’t do shit, they can’t drink, they cant smoke, they can’t drive, they can’t vote, they can’t work, they can’t fuck for god’s sake! And you wonder why your teenager’s such an asshole... it’s cuz he’s bored out of his tit! You won’t let him do anything else!
For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
School did give me one of the greatest gifts of my life, though. I learned how to read, and for that I remain thankful. I would have died otherwise. As soon as I was able, I read, alone. Under the covers with a flashlight or in my corner of the attic - I sought solace in books. It was from books that I started to get an inkling of the kinds of assholes I was dealing with. I found allies too, in books, characters my age who were going through or had triumphed against the same bullshit.
We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.
On the song 'Funk Soul Brother': "If you covered a broom handle with oil and shoved it up my arse, then put me on a trampoline, in a lift, I could write a better song on the walls."
You might be a redneck if you own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.