Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1125
On Thursday, I changed the names of all my fish, and they didn't seem to mind - especially Dead Tony.
Where is the good will in the thought, "I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?"
When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don't stop, I'm going to die.
Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music...
The only thing that makes me cry at weddings is the DJ’s playlist.
I don't like the negative of reality tv - the "you're no good, so you have to leave, I choose you, but I thought you really loved me". It's all about how bad people are and I just hate that. I like Pimp my Ride where someone is helping somebody.
Do you feel insecure because you keep getting the nagging feeling that you're not that smart? Well, I've got good news for you, my friend. You have no need to be insecure. That nagging feeling is absolutely right on target. You are not that smart. But I have more good news for you. You are also not alone.
I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.
Don't say a woman is crazy just because she runs away from her wedding.
You have to have a lot more dedication to what I'll call 'the machine,' ... I have 20 percent dedication. What's needed is 110 percent. You can't have it with the level of apathy I have.
You might be a redneck if you’ve got more than three cousins named "Bubba."