Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1126
Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?
The first sentence that I was taught to say by my parents as a little boy was, " Of course I know that I'm wrong."
When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, "No ... he's dead.''
I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don’t even know I’m saying bad things about them. I've run into Paris Hilton and she’s like, "Oh, I love your show." And I’m like, "You can’t love my show if you can hear."
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
I would think black people think everything is about race. They are the ones who are on the outside of the game. They are the ones who face it every day.
Mr. President, there are some people who are never going to like you. That's why they voted for the old guy and Carrie's mom. You're not going to win them over. Stand up for the 70% of Americans who aren't crazy.
When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
Campaign ads are the backbone of American democracy -- if American democracy suffered a gigantic spinal injury.
Two words no woman should ever have to hear: Triple Mastectomy.
Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.
She was so fat that she has a dress with a sign on the back that says "caution wide load".
Bush's memoir is 512 pages. To be fair, 200 of those pages are just games and puzzles.