Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1126
[On the Dating Handbook] 'With a telescope, some munchies, and a warm blanket, watch for Halley's comet.' Yeah. I like that. There's no time limit. Just sit there and grow old together.
Throwing up is natures way of saying you need to re-examine your idea of a "good time".
They're always going, don't deal with terrorists. Let's deal with them. What's Allah offering you boys, 100 virgins? We'll give you 50 slags.
You might be a redneck if you watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.
A survey has shown that the average man has had sex in a car 15 times. Something to keep in mind next time you're looking for a used car.
Every group is racist. White folks will see a group of Indian people and they’re like, “Look at all those brown people, they’re probably all very happy together.” Then you get in that group and like, “Hey, you from India? I’m from India. What part? No, not that part. Go to hell you dirty bastard.”
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
The Bush Administration is always saying, "We don't hear the good news." Yeah, because the journalists are saying, "Cover me, I'm going to the ice machine."
You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name… and you’ve never been to that bar before.
My friend said, 'Try lamb skin. They're really thin. Lamb skin condoms, they're good.' And they are. What he didn't tell me was that right when you begin to conduct business, the whole room smells like a gyro. We were doing our thing. She said, 'What's that?' I said, 'I don't know, but I'm getting hungry.'
I am certainly not an authority on love because there are no authorities on love, just those who've had luck with it and those who haven't.
I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.