Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1126

I don't have a room full of writers pitching ideas. It's just me out of my head.

Guess what, Martin Luther King? I had a (expletive) dream, too.

If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made a big, Holy load.

Santa Fe is fun to visit, but property there will cost you an arm and a dillo.

There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.

BP has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.

You're going to eat that later? You're going to take it home?

I think I'm past any window where I'm suddenly going to become surprisingly ripped so that people go, 'Oh, my God, what happened to you?'

I've met a lot of people who've lost their jobs and they still have a sense of humor.

A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.

Stand by your bed and salute me.

I know if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life's list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.

That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again.

I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at prisons and wait for parolees.