Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1124

Sometimes they would just pay me to stay home and not do anything else, which sounds fantastic but doesn't do much for your ego. Its probably a little like getting alimony-the money is nice but has a nasty aftertaste.

I like to read the Bible in really public places, like on the subway... and just mutter things to myself like "Oh, bullshit!"

I'm a late-night guy.

You might be a redneck if you've ever shot a deer from inside your house.

A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it." And then I realized I just should have said, "Yeah."

You might be a redneck if you've ever bought a used cap.

It's tricky turning a book into a movie. Sometimes people love the book so much that no adaptation lives up to what they imagined. You can avoid that disappointment by never, ever reading books.

I have been accused of sleeping with people, I hadn’t met yet.

When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light. And I would hear things that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

[To a whore]<br /> Blackadder: Look, if I'd wanted a lecture on the rights of man, I'd have gone to bed with Martin Luther.

I just want to be myself.

Shaq is rich. The white man who signs his check … is wealthy. "Ah, here you go, Shaq. Go buy yourself a bouncing car. Bling, bling!"

I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.

You've done something alright with your life when the only rule on your job is don't shake your cock at the customer.

My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.