Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1124

I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't.

Don't cross Lorenzo Lamas. Ever.

I used to think I knew everything, but older you get the more you see other areas. If you could read everything about both sides, you’ll pretty much be in the middle again, which is the state you had when you were totally ignorant. So my theory is if you maintain total ignorance - which isn’t easy, but I try - you’ll be just as far ahead as if you’d spent days and days reading about the whole issue. And you have that much extra time to play Pac-man.

It's clearly yen positive, especially when China is gradually allowing the yuan to appreciate day by day.

I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

Zombies can't believe the energy we waste on nonfood pursuits.

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.

[while snow-skiing with his family]<br /> I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.

Parenthood requires saying things you never thought you'd say, like, "Sit still and let me wipe your butt!"

If you take a negative, turn it inside out, it’s still a negative. You’re just revealing the ugly inside of negative so I say keep it as is.

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

There’s nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.

Have you ever had one of those moments when you look up and realize that you're one of those people you see on the train talking to themselves?

On the song 'Funk Soul Brother': "If you covered a broom handle with oil and shoved it up my arse, then put me on a trampoline, in a lift, I could write a better song on the walls."