Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1124
I find it very annoying when people want to sit next to each other at a booth.
This one guy, the worse guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like a magician and doesn't do magic, I don't like. I don't even like magic, I hate it. But I love the word, "Ta-da"! I love that word! I don't get to say it, right? I never do any magic. You just cant go around walking, "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" The only time I can say it is when I do something really stupid or surprising. Like if I go out all night drinking and hitting strip clubs and I come home and I still got some money .... "Ta---da!" I thought I was broke. Why does my jaw hurt?
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered.
You might be a redneck if you watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.
Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: "This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye."
There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.
The average life expectancy rate in some parts of Glasgow is 54. If you’ve ever been there, you’ll realize that that’s maybe a bit long.
It's strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you're just like "WHATEVER! Why don't you send me an e-mail so I can delete it?"
Victoria Beckham looks like she has a dump once every four years. That’s probably how David knows that there’s a World Cup coming up.
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.