Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1124

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Life, is easy. And if yours isn't, quit whining. Oh, wait. unless you're just a head amd then, you do have it pretty rough. I don't know how you roll out of bed every morning.

There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.

Sorry sweety, you're not going to make the cut. You're just not unhealthy enough for me.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

You are the director of your own life story. Don’t cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act.

During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.

The secret to a happy life is to have zero expectations and try to not trust prop comics.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Man, who don't like spaghetti?

Whenever I've encountered a Christian saying, 'Why don't you stop talking like that so I can hear you?' I think, 'Well you're the one putting the earmuffs on, but I wish you could hear me because I like you.'

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.