Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1127
The only thing that makes me cry at weddings is the DJ’s playlist.
Just for the record my Arab friends, i dont do any Arab jokes in my act. Its not that i dont think you are funny. It's just .. I dont know, i dont wanna..... die?
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, “Are you comfortable?” The guys says, “I make a good living.”
But let me ask you this though, first and foremost: who's your favorite Spice Girl? Mine is Sporty Spice and I'll tell you why. You know what? She might not be as aesthetically pleasant as the rest but she'll do a backflip and steal your heart.
"What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, 'Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, and you could dunk it in the toilet.'"
I don't know what it's like to be an actor, where if your show gets canceled, really you're just a bum.
I couldn’t have invented crisps. [...] I don't really want to be known as the man who invented crisps. [...] I invented apples. [...] I invented pandas, and caps. I invented soil.
When did our elections become the Special Olympics? You're not all winners. Not everyone gets a hug. You guys got crushed.
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall all the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.