Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1127
The United States ranks 14th in the world in education. Even if we subtract Sarah Palin's test scores, it only bumps us to third. Damn you, Finland!
You might be a redneck if you think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
George Bush says, "Gore's book needs a lot of explaining." Of course, Bush says that about every book.
The Catholic Church has a tough new policy on child molestors: three strikes and you're a cardinal.
I was walking down the street with a friend, and he said, "I hear music." As if there was any other way you can take it in. That's how I receive it too. You're not special.
People always tell me I need to have a kid, and I say, "No, I don't." Because I wouldn't have just one kid; I'd have six. I need a huge family. So I just kind of fill my house with tons of rejects and misfits so it feels like I have a bunch of children.
You say you hate children and people always say the same thing; "it would be different if it was your own child." Well what if it wasn't?
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
I use a Bruce Lee technique: 'The way of no way.' He had the idea that he would learn everything, so that whoever he had to fight, he could improvise anything. The best way of starting a gig is just to not think of anything - to clear your mind, not in an empty Zen state, but more just to go on and see where you go.
Is there a separation between body and mind, and if so which is it better to have?
You find out that all this stuff you've accumulated, you could care less about it. It's just the relationships that matter.
Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.