Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1127

If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.

The secret to a happy life is to have zero expectations and try to not trust prop comics.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody.

The only way I can get Fang out of bed in the morning is to wear a black dress and a veil, and sit on the edge of his bed and cry.

The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.

Man, who don't like spaghetti?

The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.

If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.

I washed mud off of mud.

Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"

What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? "Give me your cell number."

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?