Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1128
They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.
You might be a redneck if you've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.
Life gave you lemons and you turned it into golden showers. God bless you for that.
(While teaching his son to play baseball):<br /> "We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts."
No one has ever said to me ‘go home and make a baby.’ I have been told several times to go to Planned Parenthood and make the baby go away. Happy Hannukah.
You’re a walking tumor. Actually, it’s a big deal when you spot a tumor.
When you hit rock bottom, you've got to go to AA. They make it sound so dirty. Please, I've hit rock bottom dozens of times. I've woken up next to a billy goat. You don't just give up.
[When discussing a Florida woman denied a drivers license for refusing to remove her Burka and head covering] You know, I think they should give her the license, but then, it should only be good for flying carpets.
Everybody I’ve ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every relationship after that, everybody. Every woman in here got intimidated by a guy, pushed around too much, now you’re new boyfriend tickles you a little too hard, boom restraining order. Every guy here had a woman sleep with his best friend, now your new girlfriend hugs your cousin a little long, boom car bomb.
One little boy turned to the kid next to him, and he said, 'I hate you.' And this kid was devastated. He started crying those only tears you can cry as a child. He was saying, 'I don't know why you hate me; I don't know what I have done to make you hate me.' And then softy, so quietly you had to strain to hear it, he said, 'Fuck.' And the first boy heard him and said, 'Hold On. Do you swear?' And he said yes, and they were friends again. Don't tell me swearing it wrong. I have seen it's healing properties.
A blonde, German woman with spiky hair...walked up to the plane and said 'There are busses outside that you will be loaded on to. You will be told what will happen to you when you reach your destination.' And all I could think in my head, was, 'I am not getting on those fucking buses. No, no, I have seen too many Oscar-winning movies. I know how this story ends. I know what you do to people who look like me. If I'm getting on any bus, it's with the blond family over there.'
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.