Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1128
Sometimes they would just pay me to stay home and not do anything else, which sounds fantastic but doesn't do much for your ego. Its probably a little like getting alimony-the money is nice but has a nasty aftertaste.
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?
I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don’t even know I’m saying bad things about them. I've run into Paris Hilton and she’s like, "Oh, I love your show." And I’m like, "You can’t love my show if you can hear."
And I was like, “Um, yeah, I am.” I have no idea why though. I had nothing to do with that movie. It’s just some people that kind of look like me are in this movie that everyone loves and winning Oscars and stuff.”
In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting "Hey, you!" at airplanes.
One little boy turned to the kid next to him, and he said, 'I hate you.' And this kid was devastated. He started crying those only tears you can cry as a child. He was saying, 'I don't know why you hate me; I don't know what I have done to make you hate me.' And then softy, so quietly you had to strain to hear it, he said, 'Fuck.' And the first boy heard him and said, 'Hold On. Do you swear?' And he said yes, and they were friends again. Don't tell me swearing it wrong. I have seen it's healing properties.
Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.
Quite a nasty piece of work. Not the sort of person you'd want to have dinner with.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
You say you hate children and people always say the same thing; "it would be different if it was your own child." Well what if it wasn't?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?