Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1128

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

They call me a role model \ <br /> Even though my hand’s glued to that gin bottle

I've met a lot of people who've lost their jobs and they still have a sense of humor.

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

You might be a redneck if you've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.

I slept really well last night, I slept like a baby: I pissed the bed four times... and woke up crying five.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

You might be a redneck if you own a homemade fur coat.

Sometimes sex is just a way to escape having to talk to that person.

If you take a negative, turn it inside out, it’s still a negative. You’re just revealing the ugly inside of negative so I say keep it as is.

If I hadn't done this I might have ended up digging the roads.

You might be a redneck if your wife's hairdo attracts bees.

He doesn't understand the subtleties of slights and pains, that it is not the big events that hurt the most but rather the smallest questionable shift in tone at the end of a spoken word that can plow most deeply into the heart.

Perhaps depression is a perfectly natural reaction to the human condition.

You might be a redneck if you prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.