Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1133

I don't believe that competitions are important.

I got myself a really nice nib pen, with like 15 kinds of India Ink, and tons of different nibs; I think I was just procrastinating, like, once I have the right nib, the book is just going to jump right out of my fingertips… but then it just ended up looking like the shitty drawings that I usually do.

If these two are tired of having sex with each other, what hope is there for the rest of us?

If you go down as a comedian's comedian, that's basically meaning other comedians are hopefully feeling that you're doing okay.

They got a character on there named Oscar, they treat this guy like shit the entire show. They judge him right in his face, "Oscar you are so mean! Isn't he kids?", "Yeah Oscar! Your a grouch!", its like "BITCH! I LIVE IN A FUCKING TRASHCAN!"

Did you know that a single fur coat takes 14 trees just for the protest signs?

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

They're always going, don't deal with terrorists. Let's deal with them. What's Allah offering you boys, 100 virgins? We'll give you 50 slags.

I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it’s like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn’t do, probably.

You might be a redneck if your best ashtray is a turtle shell.

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name… and you’ve never been to that bar before.

Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!

It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.

Suicide is like the ejector button in the cockpit of an F-15. If life goes into a permanent tail spin, it's nice to know the option is there.