Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1133

Because you think an explosion has taken place and you're looking at the shards and you say, 'Well, can we put this back together?' And by God, maybe you can put it back together. And maybe it won't be the same, but maybe it will be different, and maybe it can even be better in a different way.

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.

Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who's that for? 'I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive.' 'I'll have the bologna sandwich -- dirty.'

A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.

"There must be a way to get more of these in me faster," thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas.

You young people with your twittering and your creating of content. Or what is it - queefing? I don't know what you young people are calling it.

We have many things in common, the greatest of which is that we are both afraid of the children.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

What a world. It could be so wonderful if it wasn't for certain people.

Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same; they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.'

I refuse to this day to do e-mail because everybody I know that does it, it takes another two or three hours a day. I don't want to give two or three more hours away.

All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter.

A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the Bahamas in July. What happened to the good old days when a guy would just saw you in half?

So glad I'm not the only guy who thinks about killing everyone wearing a hoodie.

A lot of natural disasters, right? It's depressing -- gotta keep giving money, can't afford it. Gets to be like friends' weddings now -- like, 'Damn, another one. Tsunami plus guest. Ugh.' Hurricanes, earthquakes, mudslides -- it's like the drink menu at T.G.I. Friday's unleashing its wrath on the universe.