Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1133

Even if I say, "Everyone in the village died of diarrhea," I still laugh a little after "diarrhea".

"There must be a way to get more of these in me faster," thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas.

I went to penitentiary one time, not me personally, but me and Gene went there for a movie. "Arizona State Penitentiary" Population: 80 percent black people. But there are no black people in Arizona, they have to bus motherfuckers in!

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

A sense of humor is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

You might be a redneck if you've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"

More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder Congress is reluctant to take action against this guy - he's one of their own.

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

My nitemares are so hip I go to bed eating popcorn.

I got my hair highlighted because I felt that some strands were more important than others.

We'll never see national shows with 45 shares again.

You know what I like to do when I'm at Blockbuster? You know the quick- drop that they have there? I like to stick my penis in there. And then look at the help and say, "Have you seen this, is this any good?"

The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.