Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1133

Life, is easy. And if yours isn't, quit whining. Oh, wait. unless you're just a head amd then, you do have it pretty rough. I don't know how you roll out of bed every morning.

Sorry sweety, you're not going to make the cut. You're just not unhealthy enough for me.

If we can send a person to the moon, we can send someone with AIDS to the moon, and then someday we can send everybody with AIDS to the moon.

[taking a vacation with his family in Costa Rica]<br /> I go "what is it?" And she goes "we're going on a shark feeding frenzy!" Okay, wait... we're in a boat looking down in the water? "No, that's the best part! We're in the water with the sharks!" And I go "have you lost your mind???"

You might be a redneck if you've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just seem longer?

And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

I bought her this handkerchief... and I didn't even know her size.

Sometimes sex is just a way to escape having to talk to that person.

Anything you can suck at should make you nervous.

I have one phobia, snakes. And by "snakes" I mean "intimacy."

A lot of natural disasters, right? It's depressing -- gotta keep giving money, can't afford it. Gets to be like friends' weddings now -- like, 'Damn, another one. Tsunami plus guest. Ugh.' Hurricanes, earthquakes, mudslides -- it's like the drink menu at T.G.I. Friday's unleashing its wrath on the universe.

Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.